Meri kahani...

vo na aaye to sataatii hai Khalish sii dil ko,
vo jo aaye to Khalish aur javaa.N hotii hai
- Sahir Hoshiarpuri

I don't care about the movie Stop too much but a couple of the songs are my midnight bluesy faves ya know? I remember all my stories, my incidents reeling in front of me as images being flashed as if Im being questioned about a series of murders.. I feel like the victim, the culprit, the cause, the emotion all at once.. And I yearn for them to stop plaguing me.. My choices, my indecisiveness, my what ifs and if onlys and all I am left with is the torment of my soul.. Some day this too shall pass I tell upon to myself..

How do you let bygones be bygones? How do you control the power of memory? How do you justify and explain regret? How do you backtrack to place yourself in the correct timeline? How do you place him differently? How does it all pass? How do we develop to be so cynical? Despite my hard assed efforts of being a mean nasty swine I still cant be cynical.. I still cant get away with being cold and caustic.. I wish it lurked in my bones somewhere - I yearn to be what I am not.. I yearn to be what I had perceived of myself.. I yearn to be all of my negatives coexisting with my positives.. I yearn to flourish all the flora and fauna I was predicted to endow with my charm and grace.. But I have yet to accomplish those lofty ideas set place by others in front of me..

I trust freely.. But I begin to lose confidence in people when my trust and patience is taken for granted.. I have nothing to hide.. I write about my life openly as if my home were an open door policy.. I'm not about to apologise for being upfront but I expect half of what I dole out.. Its hurtful and bashful when so much is done to cover up so little.. How ridiculous it must make me seem to be a part of lives I touch so freely..

I'm not even gonna touch the subject of why the hell did I have to grow up.. Mum's had enough of that I think.. My whining and moaning has sent her oceans apart from me again.. Her escape from my constant drawing comparisons and parallels.. How I fret at the idea of having taken a philosophy course.. PHIL 101 and now everything is a paradox with premise and conclusions.. One big heated debate.. I would fit quite well amongst the Krane brothers.. Frasier would be a pain with his massive ego ergo I'd love to dominate poor old Nyles and be an accomplice at taking jabs on the respected Mr Krane..

I watch too much TV I think.. In every outburst I find I have to compare it to some external reference of some tele shiets.. Note to self: PICK UP A BOOK AND READ..

P.S: I don't have the guts to pick up Ayn Rand.. The last time I got lost into her soul and felt like a ghost living my life!! You haven't read her yet? You miserable sod!! Pick it up and get as depressing as me ;-)