Grrrl Power

I was viewing the old episodes of Rendezvous with Ms Garewal and I caught up on the Aishwarya Rai one.. I must have mentioned several times my dislike and disdain towards the sculpted beauty.. But this interview changed my mind.. Non-confrontational kept brimming on the ebb of my mind.. Rarefied the form, lucid in verse and in dignity.. And I had to stop and re-evaluate what I opined of her..

This weekend we went for a soiree to do with Timzi's bud.. And I met this enigmatic charismatic woman yet again who always manages to turn me on.. Every time I chance upon seeing this lady Im stunned at how loud and crass I feel in comparison to her soft exuberant smile and soft voice echoing in my ears moments after her departure.. I've always felt I carry myself with a certain amount of haughty pride but classy nonetheless.. And then Im exposed to this example of love and romance doesnt die after years of knowing each other and raising a child and home.. This lady and her man are evidence that the hand in hand and the head on the shoulder bit aren't common courtesies a couple extend to each other.. They are moments of joy they revel in being in each other's company.. Till I meet them my life is complete and my journey back after viewing their sight makes me feel and want more.. To try harder to achieve the impossible of not washing dirty linen in public.. To always have an esoteric smile for the other.. Hard feats to accomplish I tell you..

The other day I was with my neighbour.. She's a woman of the corporate world who has never taken a break and single-handedly manages to run a household and raise a son of 17 yrs and break norms of being a perfect daughter, daughter-in-law and wife.. She kept me in splits with her daily dosages of nuances and labellings between her son and her.. I remembered my growing up years with Ma.. Children with mothers who form their best friends always emerge stronger in confidence.. Ask me - I am over-confident and its YOUR fault Ma :P But the over-indulgence does really make a difference.. The only problem arises when the mother starts feeling like being treated like a mother with due respect after watching a YashRaj/Karan Johar movie talking about parampara till you can barf paramprik creed..

Jaya Bachchan whilst accepting her Lifetime Achievement Award (please someone ban this pieces of shit award that steer you towards giving up the part of your career where you are stress free) spoke better than any Ambassador who would love to evoke emotions and yet strive to be diplomatic.. I rue the life she has had to lead from whatever I have read but yet this lady is known for what she does without being over-shadowed by the Bachchan parivar name or flagship.. To carry the weight of life with such "humble" expression - I was bowled over by the modesty.. Small packages are indeed bombs full of aplomb..

Strong beautiful women who hold their head up in pride but not high enough to be a minx and not low enough to be a crouching mouse.. Just rock steady to hold ground on their own.. Moving with grace and ambiguity yet maintaining a modicum of candor in their thoughts without the effervescent need to gurgle them out instead maintaining to eschew their many many dollars worth.. Yes, when I grow up (stop laughing amzu timzi :( ) I wanna be like them but till then I can always be the brat that I am yes?

Grrrl Power - Read up more on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Power

idee fixe

i carry you with me

wherever i go

i carry you here

at the end of my sleeve

i carry you there

so i can have you in my palm

i carry you as sediment
should've long gone deposited
i carry you as a draft
favonian breezes tuggin..

i carry you as a spur of evanescent moments
i carry you as an imprecation
i carry you from the dead like a rising phoenix
i carry you despite your will
alea jacta est?
no dice my love, no dice..

"..to the left" - beyonce, irreplaceable

Im not trying to be cute and child"ish" but luffer is an actual frikkin word!! Dont believe me? Well look it up..

I'll be honest.. I've had a few.. If you've kept a track then the numero uno 'luffer' is/was Abhishek Bachchan.. Honestly, I wouldn't know the man from adams but when I first heard about his engagement I felt a sense of loss.. Like something inside me died.. And if you knew me, you'd know I ain't a die hard romantic.. I ain't one of those crazy fans who swoons and drops unconscious.. Im very bloody normal.. But still - I felt bad.. Horrible horrible inside.. And I was in this zone for a while and I had no idea how to snap back to reality.. Jeesh I mean I kept tellin myself seriously - babe the hell's wrong with you? And I realised that this virtual stranger was someone who had turned real for me in my own little universe.. Really how do you classify a stranger? Someone you don't know but you've seen or heard or spoken with even briefly? How is it that you expend so much time knowing this one person that they still seem to be termed as a 'stranger'? How is it possible? Logical? Paradoxical!

When you get married and you vow that this is the one person you are gonna love n lust for, for the rest of your lifetime do you ever believe that even for a brief moment you could be breaking your vow unintentionally? I mean my thing with the 'luffer' came to a point where amzi actually allowed me the one indiscretion if the opportunity ever came about.. THATS FRIKKIN INSANE!! Would I have ever used his 'permission' to my advantage? Never! But I'll bet you a million bucks - I'd have traversed in the area a few million times before I finally decided to walk away.. I aint Gandhi or considering how he never acted on his impulses despite laying with temptations mebbe I am!! C'mon junta!! Bow to me ;-)

I like to not clear up issues.. I like to have them buried.. I like to not have to deal with ugly truths.. I like pretension.. I had this friend 'A' who just couldn't get this idea.. Forever being a certain way of dragging things through the entire journey.. Continually voicing the same theories and ideas till tears of boredom would stream down my face.. But I learnt to deal with it.. I actually started doing the tit for tat thing.. I actually started pulling the blame game.. I changed for timzi.. Now I was changing again? I mean really!! Who the ^&*% is Santu anymore? And I tried pulling back which was great news!! Breather - at last no more change.. I could be this pompous egoistic narcissistic ass without being continually reminded.. But something happened along the way.. This nitemare called 'A' actually turned to a dream.. I mean how do u get rid of leeches stuck to your chest who are sucking out the bad blood in your streams but sucking the blood outta you nonetheless? When do you actually sit down and tell yourself that all those junk forwards of loving your friend for who they are is utter shit (lets be real) and still love them anyway?

Its hard to break habit but dont people always break bad habits? I mean I quit scratching my crotch in public a few years ago but that was a bad habit.. Why would you break the habit of a morning routine? Email and chai before the weight of the day drains you.. Perfect way to start the day.. But I guess I have the 'keedas' so Im breaking habits.. Its back to Bombay Times n After Hrs with coffee in the morning.. Its back to keeping everyone blocked except 5 ppl on my msn list.. Back to no drama, lack of invigoration, denial of fervor, and tempestual trauma.. Instead whats in is the calm, cool and collected me - putting on this cheesy display of being feline n bitchy to appear non mushy.. Know why? Cos I HATE mushy.. But di - I CAN DO MUSHY!! remember how I used to ruin your perfect songs and then write you poetry? Don't make me make you eat your words darlin ;-) Its time for the old reinvented me - formal clothes and no tracks or capris, loads of eyeliner and no subtle hints of shadow, perfume layering all the way and no basics of just deo.. Its back to me rolling my window and doling advice to smokers at a stop light to think of their health.. Back to pissin the shitlights of the goodlookin' guy who smokes in my son's school corridoor.. Im leaving behind my childlike amiable zany self and am gonna turn into this snotty, shrewd, constantly sarcastic, silent until spoken to soul..

'A' - my blame game ends here.. You are to blame.. And as punishment I'd love to leave your phone number to all the ones who're gonna suffer the price at the cost of my sanity due to the mere existence of you.. I leave you with my blessings.. You'll need them when my 'inner circle' comes looking for you to de-glam me!! I will miss the rogue spirit of you.. Goodbye n God bless..

Mumbai Nagariya!!

Goddamnit!!

You take antibiotics for a stomach virus and its s'posed to take care of the throat infection.. But guess what? She lied!!

You pay through the nasal membranes of your nostrils for the D&G fabric to be tailored by this huge men's boutique and you expect it to look smashing.. But guess what? The black pinstripe on my 6 footer looked worse than my constipated excreta..

You get the best they got for your Internet connection and they somehow manage to have the connection break every 2 minutes which makes downloading mp3's worse than delivering babies.. Worse - when they try givin people new connections, they go out of their way and manage to screw your existing phone connection thereby the Internet goin all whoozy again..

You go to this so-called "5" star hotel into their swanky restaurant.. You specify less oil and less spices.. You'd think they'd get it.. Nope.. Instead you get finely cut green chillies as garnish on a layer full of floating oil and a fried red chilli on top of it. Fan-bloody-tastic.. There goes the unjinxed phase of the colon again.. This time it didnt even reach the "5" day mark..

You drive at 20kph on a normal road in Mumbai just minding your bees-wax and this moron comes slamming right into you.. He gives you his license when you ask for it but when you ask for the insurance papers he scrams.. I mean hey wtf? You go to the cop place and they take 2 hrs to write down your complaint as if you're the wronger not the wronged.. And 10 days later when *you* the wronged go to inquire *you* are informed he is a poor dude from a poor family.. What would you like to have done once he is back in town.. YOU FRIKKIN JOKIN ME SUB INSP $%^&*!! Id like to slap him silly so the next time I sit in my little Zen I don't feel so unprotected.. Id like him to apologise at the least for chewing his tobacco when he was talking to me in arrogance.. Id like to ram a pole up his ripped rear end and plastered there for eternity..

You go to pay your phone bill like good people do.. 2 days before the due date.. But they make you regret that too.. There's just one counter to take care of the 1 lakh+ numbers of this company.. Makes you feel like paying that extra Rs 5 as late fee and not having to stand in this frikkin line and doin it post the due date.

I have more cos I have been having a great day cant you tell? But I'll leave the rest for later.. Need more Oflox for the throat stupid piece of pharmaceutical crap!!

Rebirth - Indian my identity..

Impassioned, I thought I had verbalised all and sundry of my arena to make it public domain and I began to lose coherence when I wanted to distinguish between the make believe and the factual.. And then as usual for the last two days, something inside my muscles started twitching - so many stories to tell, like a kitten I need to unwind the many balls of yarn that keep revolving in my small brain.. And mercurial that I am my decision changed in less than what seemed like a droplet in the paragon of time.. Incommunicado becomes my time when I drift away and not as a phase that I snap out of so I raise my Diet Pepsi today to the life I will put back into this anomaly of my life..

I've had a busy month - 2 weddings.. My cousin got married finally, Hallelujah - Praise the Lord in Kolhapur.. He is a sindhi and I thought this was gonna be one of those showy weddings but it was over populated with loads of amusement park space and no music but a few boring ice sculptures and food.. The other was Amzi's cousins wedding.. Amazing it was like a freakin fair.. Semi-nude performers gyrating to Bolly numbers, a few dozen screens across the stadium to broadcast feeds of the baraat, performers, stage view etc.. A children's blow up jumping castle, a cartoon bear, a clown, balloon-wala.. 40 stalls of chat, 100 mouth fresheners, 50 main courses.. A bigger array of non-alcoholic drinks.. J W Marriott menu's would be put to shame.. But mind you this was the wedding of the baniya class.. Is it me or are stereotypes changing? Im disillusioned as usual..

Silly is going into formal school this year.. My baby's growing up and I am getting worse with him.. Threatening to put him on the road if he doesnt start eating solids properly.. We fight for him to use his straw bottles and finally finally give up the "baby bottles".. I dont remember the last time we just spent a whole day amicably.. I hate being a parent, being the one having to do all this alone..

Timzi's a commander now.. He's flying like a maniac.. I miss his presence of not occupying the house.. He has gotten used to my whining and naggin about leaving his wardrobe a mess, wet towels on the bed, stealing Silly's bugs bunny toothpaste, wearing and extricating his socks and shoes next to the bed.. I've gotten used to the pictures he leaves behind once he excretes in the pot and forgets to flush and the inane long fone calls he is always on.. But Silly misses him more.. Time flies away so soon - I dont remember my baby as a baby.. I want a baby in my hands and home to replace the hollowness I feel..

The other day in the evening I felt like some old bolly songs.. But my collection of cd's was borrowed by my father in law.. So I was singing them and Amzu provided the backup whistlin vocals in between of flipping through his what seemed like 200 manuals.. Between the paaon chu lene do phoolon ko and the mera kuch samaan tumhaare paas pada hai I got lost in the time frame of the music and reached justju jiski thhi and realised the difference between the then Umrao Jaan and the newer one.. I really liked the new one too, the nuances, the twists, outfits, music everything.. Its just the comparison that killed it but on its own ground it was still a stupendous movie, my bias for Abhishek aside..

The Constant Gardener features Ralph Fiennes.. In a scene where he has to enact naked, raw emotion about a loved one's loss he doesn't start howling and wailing - instead he peers through a window in the door and stands there for hours as it seems.. The contortions start after the passage of the few hours into tiny grimaces and small tears rolling by not one after another but in small bursts.. Whimpering almost like Silly when he was slapped across the face for the first time.. A scar I will hold as the worst look on my child's face because of the folly of aught else.. Yes I'm protective of him.. I am his as he is mine and no one else can have an authoritative role in that.. I've had to make that abundantly clear.. My obsession is no longer shadowed and deep-rooted - its on a full on display..

Tomorrow is a new day - I'll make sure the sarcasm and the wit gets back to its normal state with a tinge of masala to make the exaggerations laughable, applaudable.. Humility thy name? Maybe - remember I am mercurial...