Scent of a woman

sorry for the delay..

please listen to me and listen carefully..

this is on a public platform because post conversing with ami about the people we knew this seemed to be a common thing.. but even he was rooting mostly for you in the end and i do really want to send this as a message to the rest who are like sisters to me whose grief i feel as well..

im keeping all my biases aside and saying this purely keeping all the factoids in mind..

you need to disconnect him from your life.. its not been a symbiotic relationship for a long time but really, lets face it, it has been parasitic.. you need to cut off the limbs that are disparaging to the rest of your working body and draining away the energy.. its a hard pill to swallow and a much worser decision to make but it needs to be done cos 7,8,9 years is a long time to dedicate to a dead relationship.. mourn for the loss, dont grieve.. celebrate your existence.. you have to demonstrate to the one depending on you that things dont always need to come in pre-packaged pretty forms.. remember the strength that was once you and it will all become easier.. leave your benevolence and calm aside.. thats what has been detrimental in your case because time has elapsed and your eyes are only opening now.. dont waste one more minute of on more day for your freedom to be you.. and then it is all que se ra se ra.. there was surry.. there will be another who is mad about you.. you the way you are not the crap they want to dole you out to be.. i want to see the fierceness in you again.. the silent angst and the wicked determination that sets you apart even in the nyc crowd of well heeled manicured fingernails and toes..

i am always there.. my home is always open.. take a breather, lets chill with coffee, and let kai's baby warmth innocent smile and smell rejuvenate you.. pick up your belongings from here rightfully and start all over.. you have immense support from people who are loyal to you..

if not anything you can always sing - stand by me and garner support :)

please remember - i will always love you..

Kahin to hogi ho - Jaane Tu

There are no easy lunches.. You have to, absolutely must take a stand on matters close to your life and heart.. I despise the spineless morons who classify their incompetence in standing up for themselves as 'vagaries'.. How dare they insult the very characteristic by which I, the highly opinionated ass but vociferous enough to state them, identify myself with..

You need to take a stand on right and wrong.. There are grays (in other people's books) but how the hell do you classify everything in the 'gray category'.. That's just wrong.. When you put your heart on your sleeve and see it burn it hurts.. Like hell too at that.. Whats so gray about that? When someone crosses the boundary and infringes on your space it irks you.. Sometimes devastatingly so depending on circumstant.. Where the hell do you see the gray in that? When the basics in life are outta whack and are volleyed up in the air because of aught else doesn't that break you down? Don't you need to take a stand on that? How long do you need to stand behind pillars calling them your strength when instead all they are, are these autocrats who treat you like an automaton? Where the hell as the adage gone - Live and let live? When you feel strangulated don't you choke for air? Doesn't that unnerve you into reacting?

But you need strength in character to take a stand.. No matter whether it makes sense to the world now as long as you are lucid about your ideology and approach you need to stand by them.. Look at Aamir on Narmada.. I re-felt my delinking of kinship to Arundhati Roy after reading it all over again in the latest issue of Andpersand.. How dare she.. Look at Pooja & Mahesh Bhatt - I don't care about the way they conduct their lives - but their common stance approach on drugs and alcohol simply puts them on an elevated status of intellecte.. That too the way they can say it out loud in a public forum.. At least it made some people realize the importance of how they are on the path of self-destruction at least for a minute if not more..

I recently got into an argument on ego and self-pride.. Self-preservation stems from the self-pride being under assault.. How can you get away by calling it something as frivolous as ego? Yes ego creeps in where many learned take themselves for granted and falter.. But how can a person - a person who is so absorbed in the daily rituals to even realize what survival involves indulge in a time-taking sport such as 'ego'?


It takes a million goons to go thru natality and fatality for one Oscar Wilde to be borne.. My utopia would be a world full of people with strength in character to at least have the testes to take a stand.. I know I have enough testosterone to take a stand when pushed hard enough..

I really wonder about the other billion on the planet though..

Saturday Night Fever

I LOVE Saturdays.. They rejuvenate me.. Fridays can go take a you know what to the moon; but Saturdays - now THAT 's what I am talking about.. Songs like Here I am (Bryan Adams) Whats love gotta do with it (Tina Turner) etc etc are played on the radio as a relief for the same 20 songs being churned in & out on weekdays and they simply peel years off of my body.. I feel like I'm in my zone know what I mean? I'm moving, I'm grooving, I'm peppy, not trying to put someone in their place, not pickin a fight with all n sundry, just minding my good old business (which is extremely rare and strange if you know me personally) and pacing my day along.. Sol has his extra curriculars at regular hours where I can enjoy retail therapy with Kai and then we go for soccer practice where I yell and scream my lungs out cheering and motivating my son.. Yes indeedy - I live my life through them..

I have a sweet tooth.. I love black coffee.. You will always find a freshly made sweet mart at home.. My husband and his palette along with his tummy indulge me and my culinary functions and malfunctions.. My son has started appreciating the fine art of loving and eating fenugreek leaves to be compensated with gajar ka halwa.. Yes, I have at least one man of mine wrapped around my pinky.. The other one is still a work in progress.. Wanna venture a guess on who which one is?

We saw 'Jaane tu...' recently.. What a beautiful feel good movie.. The songs, the characters, the actors, the sets.. Seemed so real.. Its almost as if I was reading Jhumpa Lahiri with her fascinating penmanship taking you into her worlds where you can even smell the broth in the kitchen of the character who is nurturing it to perfection.. I could relate to and feel the same pathos that the protagonist was going through and the similar angst as each reel traversed into another.. Really though, quite a well-made movie..

But tomorrow is a Sunday and I intend to treat myself to a good dose of romantic comedies so I'm gonna pay a visit to You got mail, Story of us, Thomas Crowne Affair etc.. I suggest you guys do the same.. We all need a good dose of romance and an equally surmountable amount of humor in our lives..

Back to mirchi pakoday and makai roasting this is the at-peace-with-the-world-at-large me signing off..

earlybirditude

We all have morning rituals.. well if you are one of those night owls I'm sure you do maintain some kind of rituals that are dictum's for each day.. I have my own very set which I'd like to share.. And whilst I'm sharing lemme also redirect you to - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=earlybirditude

It's an early morning with Kai welcoming me into the dawn at 5 am and she makes me realize that I don't have to be the best person at the craft of motherhood but I just have to be a mom.. I see vignettes of her through the day when she has her first 5 ounces for the day.. Little moments where she reaches out for me with her open arms and flashes a smile trying to flirt me into being close to her.. Her sorrowful eyes and her slow frown developing into a helpless cry for me to attend to her amidst all the people she can't call home.. She is my baby whom I thought I wouldn't be able to love cos my heart was so full of Sol.. I thought I had no room for anyone else but with the advent of her coming in to my life I find myself resurrected.. Its going to be hell for me to raise a girl.. I can now sense the fears and angst my parents were ridden with but I know she will make the ride worth living..

Then the clock strikes 6 and its time for me to gather my energies because the preparation for the day begins.. Silly needs to be up by 6:30 and it takes me 10 minutes of cuddling and coddling.. I thank the Lord he still needs it.. Im not a sadist but I almost miss the days when I first put him in a playschool.. I would cry out on the stairs of the playschool hearing him wail and thats how we spent an hour everyday for a few months.. My children are my biggest strength and biggest handicap.. and its so visible when my son who's inherited my drama queen ways fusses over not getting 'Maggi noodles' in his lunchbox for school..

At 6:45 I rush in for a quick shower to erase the signs of burps and kiddie drool.. And I glare into the mirror at my age reflecting so many years on my face and body.. Don't get me wrong I enjoy them too.. Each scar, line, wrinkle, layer of fat is demonstration of me graduating to this age and time.. They are my trophies to myself..

At 7 I get into the kitchen and hurry with the cook at breakfast for the family and packing Kai's hot water and milk bottles for the ride to school and back.. Despite the help at home, inevitably 7:30 and no earlier is when 'Elvis has left the building'.. My morning cup of tea neatly stowed in my mug (which was quite a difficult task to excel in) and the morning newspaper supplements well towed in the crutch of my arm.. I cannot read the main sections of the paper.. I can't deal with reality.. I rather much read the gossip columns and the lives that others lead.. And its not about having a thing for celebrities.. my favorite thing to do when I have a couple of minutes is to randomly hit a blog and peep into aught else's life..

Through the journey to school Sol is lying on me and I can smell his freshly washed hair and I feel like letting him skip the day at school only so that I can get back into bed and snuggle with him (which is what I plan to do as soon as I'm done with this entry) but sense prevails and we practice the cat, rat and mat bits..

The journey back - I and Kai either have a morning catnap or we read the paper together.. Well she'd rather have that too in her mouth but oh well :-) But inevitably we both bob our heads into the outside world when we cross this building where this gramps like guy sits out in his airy balcony and reads his morning papers.. A moments lapsed and we spot the elderly lady who is huffing and puffing her way onto the ledge at the entrance of another building.. Her morning walk seems strenuous everyday.. I curse the coffee houses through the entire journey cos my craving for mocha can never be satiated.. Even my eyes desire the whiff of coffee.. The most pleasing smell to me in the whole world is of freshly roasted coffee beans and the most refreshing taste is of garlic.. Go figure..

But thats what a glimpse of my morning's like.. Whats yours?