So long sojourn..

Mannnn.. Lemme stretch.. Its been a bloody long hiatus!!! And this post has been impending in the folds of my mind forever.. Its been so long that I've rewritten the contents and subjects of it abstractly at least a few thousand times when I haven't been close to a keyboard to unleash the 2 finger crazy typist in me.. I habitually indulge in these mental convos with family & friends where its me and me posing as them.. Mental revisions of material desired to be disembogued finally reach a state of evaporated evanescence considering I have carried that damn linger for as long as the sustainable mood lasts.. And thus I've explained the carbon monoxide poisoning that caused a lull of new entires..

Its been a hectic last few months.. I have to now sit my son down for homework (HE ISN'T EVEN 3 YET!!) for an hour a day.. I've never had such little fun with jumbo crayons :( The monsoons are in full swing.. My power bill is hitting the roof with the dryer running 2 hrs a day everyday.. And I've gotten into the habit of letting the air conditioning run even while I'm out of the abode so it stays nourishing and cool on my arrival.. We got our first car, my old zen, painted.. To that of my choice - lime green with white stripes.. Its a beauty in this dull god forsaken predictable array of black, white, champagne, silver bevy of crap lolling around.. But not as indigestible as a purple or a dull orange car (the heck were they thinking?) Albeit, Amit ducks when he has to sit in the car just cos it attracts so much attention (he has issues with appreciative glances - Virgo to the hilt!!) But all in all good.. We had few baby domestic trips here and there which managed to burn enough holes in the pocket.. But Amit is now a Commander so like I tell him - its his time to spoil us :-) The birthday came and event - Amit garnered typhoid on one of his flights where he resided in a Taj.. Please be very aware of how much you trust their hygiene in the kitchens now.. Cos Amit getting sick is like an impossibility.. You'd understand if you saw the man.. The Mothership has invested a lot of time in building him and his immune system.. Of course the illness was transferred to little old me where although I wasn't waited on hand & foot - I was pampered, Silly was looked after, and a bun in the oven a few months later is the result..

But all that is a side note - I now finally have access to my collection of CD's again.. So its back to classics from - din dhal jaaye, haay raat naa jaaye to diwana hua badal and now pyaar mujhse jo kiya.. As a result I have sub-consciously started strutting like a stigma-prone minx - it being the heady effect of internalising Huzoor is qadar bhee na.. What a sharp contrast to when I don a sari and Amzi throws his furtive glances and Jhuki jhuki si nazar becomes the commandment of the day..

Of course, with all this comes the quality he drew out of me in the byzantine era and I teleport to yester-years and become once again the incandescent - Shama (ex nom de plume) despite the odd stark realities of a very obvious bump and a waist high bairn by my side today.. "The look" which had once disappeared has now managed to put a constant glow even on my fingernails..

Im also in love with a whole new whack of people who I will list in a random not tandem manner just so when I'm old and gray I don't forget the hormones I sallied forth.. Harry Osborne, Lara Dutta, James Frain, and an old crush revisited - Colin Firth.. (by now I've forgotten the movies I've watched considering the amount of undigested regurgitated foibles of fables I've indulged in)

I have done a few things I'm proud of too in my brief tarriance away.. Buried old hatchets, settled all scores, and made peace with history.. So this is like a poignant moment which I wouldn't want eschewed under heaps of vivid livid details I have the power to stack in memory which occupy so much space that I forget for once I strayed from my normal character to become the "bigger and better man"..

Summer vacations in full galore.. Silly comes back with funky craft projects from summer camp that actually make the cut for being displayed in white and black home.. This is the first time I've actually stayed put in aamchi mumbai for longer than 4 months.. No long vacation to international destinations :-( Silly's not in playschool anymore.. He's growing up fast screwing up my penchant for being a nomad as his feet grow into bigger shoes with every passing step..

But I've tried to keep my hands busy - second exhibition preparations underway and this time I've designed jewellery too.. Poor timzi is having a heart attack looking at the bills stacking up for inventory purchases :-) The baniya doesn't know business and profit ke funday.. But he'll learn with time when the moolah comes rolling in with time.. He drools at the orders, I only wish he told me just once, baby why don't you keep this for yourself.. The moron doesnt even look at my work with the eye of a man who I've trained in the taste department..

Anyway I am currently on this grouse dealing with patriotism.. I've been raised in two different countries and the last 3 years I've spent in the "motherland".. Which it actually even isn't.. It's my father's land.. My mom is a Pakistani by identity and birth.. But yet when I go for an Emraan Hashmi movie I have to stand while the Indian anthem is being played.. I am Canadian by the loyalty that lies within me but why do I have to be subjugated to a national anthem at the NFL.. How does that make any sense? If a firang disses India I get offended and if an Indian disses North America I get pained again.. Im a global denizen and yet an outcast and an outsider everywhere.. Im not American born, but sure have Arab influences due to birth and childhood development years.. I welcome the harmony of cultures but why shove the patriotism's when you say its OK to have dual citizenship? You means that's OK only for legalities but otherwise you have to choose the former and latter.. You still have to choose.. Horrible horrible this world of choices..

Coming down to more material pleasures I had two boys to men working on my beggar feet the other day.. I need a pedicure almost every 10 days if not a week because the skin gets so dry in this heat.. And I finally decided to have it done at this swanky salon instead of the luxury of the girls coming home.. And they scraped off every last bit of callous and hardened skin that everytime I glance at my feet I get a turn on at how soft they are naturally without all the paraffin wax and cream/sock treatments.. Yippie!!! can't wait for my next session day after..

Im going to Aurangabad this weekend as opposed to Canuck-land and I'm jumping with glee.. Can't you see the sentence laced with sarcasm? This 4 day vacation better be good on at least the food front or *someone* is gonna be in big trouble <--- Amzi!!!!

Time to sign off and return to the world of embroidery, crochet, macrame, silks, brasso, jute, lace etc..

P.S: Happy Mother's Day Mom.. Come home soon.. Ab bas ho gaya.. I love you *umma*

una redundancia

I was waiting for Amzi to get home.. Late night arrival so I cleared the toys, put the laundry aside, painted the nails and started to fidget.. I hate waiting for the polish to dry - makes me a prisoner to feminine wiles and the comedy channel was playing Seinfeld.. God I *hate* that show.. If you like it well you're as gross as Timzi.. So I was surfing and came across a site and this is what it said about me.. Why don't you try it? It's always fun to while away time trying to "discover oneself"..

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

In any case, this blog is more about helping out in the least uncomfortable way possible.. Most of you hate forwards (I say you, because I delete them based on whether I like/dislike content in the first 5 words instead of creating a huge big hoop-la about "DONT SEND ME FORWARDS YOU FREAK") and sometimes the charity with just a click is all humbug but how false could this be considering its on the MS site.. So for those of you who do chat please let Microsoft invade the little space/privacy you had them out of and subscribe to i'm

Considering the big crisis issues for future world health I had a few radical, thought provoking ideas.. Lets make a list and send it to KJo to display on Koffee with Karan the next time he invites Ritesh Deshmukh and has him subscribe it to Vilasrao who'd just let it slide like everything else does during his tenure and leadership..

To avoid further pollution of our beautiful insect infested environment we could all travel in bullock carts which would thereby generate gobar for the gobar gas and less meat would be consumed thus lesser wastage in terms of astiyan of the bullocks in the refuse pile of the garbage inventory..

And all this talk over alternative fuel I really wonder about the logistics of making Gobar Gas a dream come true at least for the sub-continent.. I mean re-cycling extraneous physical body waste for the purpose of sustaining the same would be much like evaporation-condensation-precipitation..

Endless possibilities (and you can stop giggling and ewwing anytime now - I WAS SERIOUS!!??) At the very least we could save and procure it into cylinders to run rickshaws instead of CNG.. Can you imagine lugging a cylinder of gas generated by thy shrine aka thy body and paying a basic rate to the rickshaw-walah because you'd be fueling your own transportation cost? Brilliant- Im brilliant.. After the entire bakwaas of NASA and the pen/pencil issue I think they should hire people like me giving them sasta and tikau ideas ;-)

And I'm sure Pamela Anderson has a huge populous of admirers.. Considering she supports PETA we should have loadsa stalkers as far as she's concerned.. I mean for the betterment of the gonna be extinct animal species I'm sure we could sacrifice a blond bombshell who causes grief to women worldwide no?

We could device the "honey I shrunk the kids" formula and douse Michael Jackson in it and then send him as the lamb for pedophiles worldwide.. Once they're done exploiting him, we'd be rid of a rare human breed and then all the pedophiles could be skinned alive.. Their skin would then make our bags and shoes instead of the voiceless animals..

Hell I have a ridiculously better idea.. Instead of advising the amrikans on using a clothesline for drying clothes like we do in the ghats over here, we should teach them about the concept of natural coolers.. We should blanket our world slowly with wet khus and spread the desi perfume worldwide..

Bhaiya, Im on a roll and I have to write all this down and send it to the badhau before it all dissipates from the draft of the waft in my grey matter..

P.S: I'd have hyperlinked badhau to the White House official website to indicate George Bush but I'm nothing more than chicken shit (too much talk of crap in this blog) so I didn't and no you canNOT sue me for that!!

A little knowledge is a *VERY* dangerous thing..

So my well-rounded (pun unintended!!) bro directs me to the MedPage Today website for some relevant information and I start doing my own little surfing around to it and I chance upon this which causes a whole lot of grief.. Lemme explain hon - this is how it started.. It was 3pm and the sun was doing its jig in full glory.. Hot, humid, sunny and Silly was done with his nap.. Of course, whats surprising, the kid has made it his aim in life to be an oddity (wonder where he gets it from hmm.. ;-) ) So I take him downstairs to maybe play in the pit (foolish that I am) or maybe even check out the pool's hygiene level for the day..

But lo n behold and some outrageously insane parents sent their even zanier kids down to play a game of cricket.. Some 6 boys between the ages of 5-9.. I asked them if Silly could pitch in.. As a fielder or bowler of course and they said OK and had him under their protective cootchie cooing wings (whats wrong with the boys of today and being in touch with their blasted feminine side from such a young age!!) Silly was of course milking all the attention and the cheek pulling and the awwwhs generated by the crowd of boys.. I offered to bring his bat and ball so he could do his hockey thing on the side when they wanted to actually work at the game.. By the time I came back the crowd of 7-9 yr olds reduced.. And we was left with a group of 4.. I was asked to bowl fast ones, slow ones (Im quite like Rimii's character in Hat Trick as far as cricket is concerned :-( ) which I did and of course as should be the witness of the momentous day that I partook in a lousy sport as this my favorite pair of CK jeans no less, ripped at the knees.. I ain't no biker chick and neither Im in the ultra chic crowd of havin ripped jeans which to me is baseless 'fashion' if that in the first case.. But we played for a good hour after that..

And since that day I have taken Silly swimming religiously everyday to avoid anymore 'wardrobe malfunctions'.. After last year, the media inundating the news with the term to the hilt I began to miss it thus the usage.. I'm fascinated with the answer to my constant thought - Silly has the fear of God (he's successfully potty trained - YEAY!!!) so he asks to step out when he needs to take a leak but how many 'classy and cultured' adults step out to do the job? I mean its like "Oh of course I don't have any gas to pass!" when something smells rancid around but I've seen them squirm and let their face blush trying to suppress the body's melody of brief percussion-al sounds!! But that's a side note..

Have you heard the song Barfaan - The Blue Umbrella - Amazing piece of work quite unlike the current crop of masala movies :-( Horrid, horrid.. Every one can easily be classified into my list of crappy movies.. Why does that list need to be over-populated all at one go? :-( The only saving grace they have some peppy numbers that Fever - 104 FM play constantly.. Just the other day I was listening to Breathless by The Corrs and I was actually unadulterated happy for a good 5 minutes despite the current spate of events - A/C malfunction againnnn, TV not being repaired despite 2 months of trying to procure some IC* part, Hum India shifting location to this godforsaken hellhole where traffic is obscene, maid having gone to the village for 3 days, Amzi refusing to eat parval ki bhaji (I have to get into this in a later blog!!), Celina Jaitley being the worst thing in Shaka Laka Boom Boom with even her assets jiggling with bad skin and worse make up..

I went to Udaipur.. Prices are so reasonable in the pind!! I've decided I'm marrying whatever Maharana and moving there.. Even Silly's horse was a healthy tagda munda of course nothing like the Arabian steed but a robust one nonetheless.. We saw the puppet show, did a few matha tek's, Silly took over Dad's negotiations when the poor sub-contractors were peeing their pants while Dad kept deleting the zeroes from their figures and my baby actually steered the boat (I doano the classification further than a canoe/motorboat/yacht.. Nauticals aren't my forte ?!) And we got the evening glimpse of The Lake Palace and its marble glistening and all I could hear was Rabbi's Tere Bin echoing in my ears..

In any case I've made a pran - somehow I've gotta lose weight.. I mean hello Adnan Sami lost over 104kgs without any sharp instruments making oscillatory movements on his fat so I have NO excuse.. Im gonna join CLAY for some aerobic shit (Oh hell - leotards and women comparin chest and ass sizes :-( ) and Silly is gonna indulge in breaking what will hopefully be somebody else's acquired goods and Im praying it'd be some pretty little twit with a perky nose and perfect hourglass figure who'd be the victim this time.. Or even one of those young musky perfumed rugged biker guys with no studs just loadsa attitude and a mindblowing haircut.. I'm tired of being Yashoda to the peers.. I need some eye-candy ;-) (Before you j2c i.e, jump to conclusions, I *only* swing in Amzi's direction!!)

All-natural

Look it up!! No not on wikipedia but on urbandictionary.com .. I like all-natural you know? Or maybe its because I'm scared of colon staplin and tummy tucks but nonetheless I like the comfort and luxury in the fact that - I rue your existence, you Barbie looking creature but Im comfortable in my own skin cos 'Im beautiful' and James Blunt said so himself!!

Some 200 channels and more on cable and I couldn't find one to sit through without flipping for over 3 hours.. THAT my dears is the state of merchandising in our retail paradise that we live in.. Quality sucks but variety is in and demand exceeds procurement of products.. Starvation for 'newer and better' results in me running to the DVD store everyday lest I get bored out of my wits and do something stupid say for instance - write an inane entry on to the blog like right now.. (I knew I should've at least mustered the strength to go through the DVD album at home but hey shit happens right?)

My sister-in-law is a cool chick ya'know? The all-natural kinds who used to play sports in school and the kinds who does NOT fit the bill of chuee-muee si.. Its easier to relate to her cos she likes the rough n tough sorts.. of course not someone like Amrita or Rosa for Saif but someone like Kajol who won't sit prim n proper for an entire length of time.. She prefers comfort to fashion and by jove can I ever relate to that.. Im after all the undisputed PYJAMA QUEEN!! After Silly came into existence it took timzi 9 months to get me out of the pyjamas I had conveniently added to my wardrobe by stealing and raiding on b's tee's and amzi's jammies.. 9 months of Silly and the last trimester of pregnancy.. Nothing but jammies for a year!! You look at me now in my lovely lucknawi kadai, kota check, patchwork and shaded sari with the Guerlain powdered kohl and Celtic jewellery in tow you would bat your lids a few thousand times (never mind the adipose tissue flouncing from all ends and the angry strain in the voice) at the idea of jammies but buddy - been there n done that.

She is the one to blame to getting me hooked on to semi-precious and precious stones.. The sapphires and blue topaz melting me each time I see newer designs cast in them.. And now after seeing Blood Diamond I've sworn off diamonds.. Di's hubby always said it out loud about the rationing of diamonds which is why he'd get her sapphires from Brazil and Murano glass jewellery from the island but never diamonds.. And it all makes sense now after seeing Leo D'Cap with rippling muscles, strange accent and half shut (or half open) eyes.. But speaking about jewellery - May is the month when I design and set 10 pieces for myself to make up for the lack of motivation and inspiration (retail therapy baby 24/7/365)

After all, its the price Timzi has to pay for all the hard work I need to put into my hair which I've always had to have long due to the list of crazy men(the dad bro n hub) in my life (add my mom in law to the list who fell in love with me only cos of hip long tresses - somebody shoot me!! please!!) 3 times a week oiling and then deep conditioning and then protein treatments with power doses not to mention 6 monthly visits to the salon for 6 hrs either for straightening or highlighting.. I mean I don't care how feminine you are but how do you justify sitting still in the damn revolving chair and sippin on herbal tea and pee'in endlessly ejaculating it 20 days later still 20 times a day for 6 goddamn long hours of hell? I have to go for one of these excruciating appointments soon.. Amzu noticed a shade of purple that the swine himself put on my hair during Holi.. This despite the full on champi but in defence of Parachute nariyal tel it was really timzi's fault who'd come close under the rain fountains to hold me and silly and shake our tushies to Sean Paul and malofy God knows what keechadwalay rang some kid had given him to attack Silly.. But Silly had loadsa fun that day with the 3 different water guns, one as a backup reservoir and the colors - he looked adorable.. He kept politely wishing everyone Happy Holi before he'd attack them with whatever ammunition he had - gel colors, powdered rang or pichkari.. He even took the pichkari to school and caught his teachers in a few scary moments that they recorded.. As tradition Silly's Holi clothes from each year get saved and wrapped in muslin which I intend to make a wall-hanging of it some day when I give him away to the witch he'd end up starting a family with :-( Hopefully it'd be a witch not a wizard..

Like amzi says you can only wish that their journey is painless but the choices are still always their own.. Philosophy from a comedian.. Thats rich!!

POV's

superman is weak and recovering but has been rid of extraneous malignant cellular growth.. (die you damn cells die!! thats your fate - yeah!!)

ring is still lost but hopefully it'll help somebody else much poorer get married..

tv's gone and we now realise the power of small old ancient things that mum stores and we whine about.. her tv which is 20 yrs old is whats making this house functional..

'banana' (salil calls his bada nana - banana) has his toe amputated cos of diabetes goin haywire but hey he's finally outta the hop-ee-tall.. 2 weeks to get back to normal..

we're all going for matha-tek to amritsar in june and timzi, silly n i are doin alaska in october.. watch this space for inherently boring details and minute observations till tears of boredom cause a common cold and affliction of eyesight problem..

hey maybe this year isn't so bad after all.. i reacquainted with reality i guess :)

the bitch-fest is gonna resume next post on pee-polls!!!

Deliberate delusions..

i have a thing for two letter headings and subjects.. with nothing in the same nature but yet have some kind of weird pull when fit together.. this topic has taken birth from one such virus im afflicted by.. anyway while going through my mp3 folder trying to find a suitable song for the mood i found an oxymoron.. masti - dil de diya hai.. have you heard the song? its beautiful and i doano how such a gem came into such a crappy movie's song list.. khair..

my superman has prostrate cancer and is going through surgery tomorrow.. i've been telling amzu its a small deal.. go in and come out.. like a little potato-like fibroid being excavated from the system but its shit scary.. my superman puts on a brave front for everyone and only amzu's been spending time with him and his wisecracks.. i wasn't even allowed to officially have 'knowledge'.. silly spoke with him on phone today and told him he'd get his remote control car for the owwie in the 'hop-ee-tall'.. i tried to find out why? superman works out like a crazy human and controls diet better than any naturopath hospital.. but things happen..

i lost my wedding ring last week.. what do i make of it? i know its stolen and i know who stole it but i cant point fingers because it was some phone rep who i allowed to enter my household at the same time silly needed to use the washroom..

last month the new lcd was cracked to bits when silly went thru anger management.. i was away for 2 mins on a fone call with superman..

this year hasnt started on a good note..

ADSL - 4 letter word I abhor!!

Yet again, the telephone exchange cross-connected me with this dude.. Some guy who has a fax machine and has had his number crossed with mine.. Ridiculous - we take messages for each other and transfer them.. It was so bad we actually met for coffee one day so we could shriek at the MTNL divisional engineers, sub-divisional area heads etc together to make an impact.. It got worse this time.. My phone line got crossed and was dead.. DEAD!! No internet for 5 days either.. I was shell shocked.. Bechara amzi got the brunt of it.. He was preparing for his check flights and I was home to make sure buddy was sticking to his diet.. My social life was a zero cos of the diet food regulation and amzi being in town.. My other land line is screwy in any case and my mobile rings constantly so I always have it hidden to avoid calls till Im in the zone to make one.. Christ - I know Im convoluted and if you just figured it out you're as brain dead as I am so buzz off?!!

I saw the last date I wrote a post and I've decided I'm gonna write little passages inspired by whatever it is.. Could be a weird headline on an old Jay Leno show Ive caught up with on brightcove.com or even some phrase I've discovered akin to 'a daniel come to judgement'.. But Ill write soap opera style-ish passages and see how excruciatingly verbose and humdrum my writing can actually be.. The current state of being in candor is on full on display with the passage below (Im sorry I said it to you this way baby)

Isolation, Desolation, Inanimate..

Disconnection has set in.. I feel withdrawn into my own tiny crevice that I had protected
from the evil eyes of the world.. Im lost within it and I yearn to stay lost in it.. Lost
as if I have no concept of the passage of time.. No urgencies, no attachments.. Just a sense
of being.. Consumed by nothingness, surrounded by hollow shadows..

I want to be devoid.. Devoid of this hole I feel in the center of my chest that's relegating
its being to my entire conscience..

I need you.. I need you in the most desperate way that you cannot even fathom.. What do
I do with this aching anguish thats burying me to my grave whilst Im still gasping for a
few breaths in thin air.. rescue me, salve me.. I need a soul and my name's written on yours..
I now know that.. I have felt it beckon and writhe me in pain.. At the very least, its the
only element you can not hide, runaway or abscond from..

Grrrl Power

I was viewing the old episodes of Rendezvous with Ms Garewal and I caught up on the Aishwarya Rai one.. I must have mentioned several times my dislike and disdain towards the sculpted beauty.. But this interview changed my mind.. Non-confrontational kept brimming on the ebb of my mind.. Rarefied the form, lucid in verse and in dignity.. And I had to stop and re-evaluate what I opined of her..

This weekend we went for a soiree to do with Timzi's bud.. And I met this enigmatic charismatic woman yet again who always manages to turn me on.. Every time I chance upon seeing this lady Im stunned at how loud and crass I feel in comparison to her soft exuberant smile and soft voice echoing in my ears moments after her departure.. I've always felt I carry myself with a certain amount of haughty pride but classy nonetheless.. And then Im exposed to this example of love and romance doesnt die after years of knowing each other and raising a child and home.. This lady and her man are evidence that the hand in hand and the head on the shoulder bit aren't common courtesies a couple extend to each other.. They are moments of joy they revel in being in each other's company.. Till I meet them my life is complete and my journey back after viewing their sight makes me feel and want more.. To try harder to achieve the impossible of not washing dirty linen in public.. To always have an esoteric smile for the other.. Hard feats to accomplish I tell you..

The other day I was with my neighbour.. She's a woman of the corporate world who has never taken a break and single-handedly manages to run a household and raise a son of 17 yrs and break norms of being a perfect daughter, daughter-in-law and wife.. She kept me in splits with her daily dosages of nuances and labellings between her son and her.. I remembered my growing up years with Ma.. Children with mothers who form their best friends always emerge stronger in confidence.. Ask me - I am over-confident and its YOUR fault Ma :P But the over-indulgence does really make a difference.. The only problem arises when the mother starts feeling like being treated like a mother with due respect after watching a YashRaj/Karan Johar movie talking about parampara till you can barf paramprik creed..

Jaya Bachchan whilst accepting her Lifetime Achievement Award (please someone ban this pieces of shit award that steer you towards giving up the part of your career where you are stress free) spoke better than any Ambassador who would love to evoke emotions and yet strive to be diplomatic.. I rue the life she has had to lead from whatever I have read but yet this lady is known for what she does without being over-shadowed by the Bachchan parivar name or flagship.. To carry the weight of life with such "humble" expression - I was bowled over by the modesty.. Small packages are indeed bombs full of aplomb..

Strong beautiful women who hold their head up in pride but not high enough to be a minx and not low enough to be a crouching mouse.. Just rock steady to hold ground on their own.. Moving with grace and ambiguity yet maintaining a modicum of candor in their thoughts without the effervescent need to gurgle them out instead maintaining to eschew their many many dollars worth.. Yes, when I grow up (stop laughing amzu timzi :( ) I wanna be like them but till then I can always be the brat that I am yes?

Grrrl Power - Read up more on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Power

idee fixe

i carry you with me

wherever i go

i carry you here

at the end of my sleeve

i carry you there

so i can have you in my palm

i carry you as sediment
should've long gone deposited
i carry you as a draft
favonian breezes tuggin..

i carry you as a spur of evanescent moments
i carry you as an imprecation
i carry you from the dead like a rising phoenix
i carry you despite your will
alea jacta est?
no dice my love, no dice..

"..to the left" - beyonce, irreplaceable

Im not trying to be cute and child"ish" but luffer is an actual frikkin word!! Dont believe me? Well look it up..

I'll be honest.. I've had a few.. If you've kept a track then the numero uno 'luffer' is/was Abhishek Bachchan.. Honestly, I wouldn't know the man from adams but when I first heard about his engagement I felt a sense of loss.. Like something inside me died.. And if you knew me, you'd know I ain't a die hard romantic.. I ain't one of those crazy fans who swoons and drops unconscious.. Im very bloody normal.. But still - I felt bad.. Horrible horrible inside.. And I was in this zone for a while and I had no idea how to snap back to reality.. Jeesh I mean I kept tellin myself seriously - babe the hell's wrong with you? And I realised that this virtual stranger was someone who had turned real for me in my own little universe.. Really how do you classify a stranger? Someone you don't know but you've seen or heard or spoken with even briefly? How is it that you expend so much time knowing this one person that they still seem to be termed as a 'stranger'? How is it possible? Logical? Paradoxical!

When you get married and you vow that this is the one person you are gonna love n lust for, for the rest of your lifetime do you ever believe that even for a brief moment you could be breaking your vow unintentionally? I mean my thing with the 'luffer' came to a point where amzi actually allowed me the one indiscretion if the opportunity ever came about.. THATS FRIKKIN INSANE!! Would I have ever used his 'permission' to my advantage? Never! But I'll bet you a million bucks - I'd have traversed in the area a few million times before I finally decided to walk away.. I aint Gandhi or considering how he never acted on his impulses despite laying with temptations mebbe I am!! C'mon junta!! Bow to me ;-)

I like to not clear up issues.. I like to have them buried.. I like to not have to deal with ugly truths.. I like pretension.. I had this friend 'A' who just couldn't get this idea.. Forever being a certain way of dragging things through the entire journey.. Continually voicing the same theories and ideas till tears of boredom would stream down my face.. But I learnt to deal with it.. I actually started doing the tit for tat thing.. I actually started pulling the blame game.. I changed for timzi.. Now I was changing again? I mean really!! Who the ^&*% is Santu anymore? And I tried pulling back which was great news!! Breather - at last no more change.. I could be this pompous egoistic narcissistic ass without being continually reminded.. But something happened along the way.. This nitemare called 'A' actually turned to a dream.. I mean how do u get rid of leeches stuck to your chest who are sucking out the bad blood in your streams but sucking the blood outta you nonetheless? When do you actually sit down and tell yourself that all those junk forwards of loving your friend for who they are is utter shit (lets be real) and still love them anyway?

Its hard to break habit but dont people always break bad habits? I mean I quit scratching my crotch in public a few years ago but that was a bad habit.. Why would you break the habit of a morning routine? Email and chai before the weight of the day drains you.. Perfect way to start the day.. But I guess I have the 'keedas' so Im breaking habits.. Its back to Bombay Times n After Hrs with coffee in the morning.. Its back to keeping everyone blocked except 5 ppl on my msn list.. Back to no drama, lack of invigoration, denial of fervor, and tempestual trauma.. Instead whats in is the calm, cool and collected me - putting on this cheesy display of being feline n bitchy to appear non mushy.. Know why? Cos I HATE mushy.. But di - I CAN DO MUSHY!! remember how I used to ruin your perfect songs and then write you poetry? Don't make me make you eat your words darlin ;-) Its time for the old reinvented me - formal clothes and no tracks or capris, loads of eyeliner and no subtle hints of shadow, perfume layering all the way and no basics of just deo.. Its back to me rolling my window and doling advice to smokers at a stop light to think of their health.. Back to pissin the shitlights of the goodlookin' guy who smokes in my son's school corridoor.. Im leaving behind my childlike amiable zany self and am gonna turn into this snotty, shrewd, constantly sarcastic, silent until spoken to soul..

'A' - my blame game ends here.. You are to blame.. And as punishment I'd love to leave your phone number to all the ones who're gonna suffer the price at the cost of my sanity due to the mere existence of you.. I leave you with my blessings.. You'll need them when my 'inner circle' comes looking for you to de-glam me!! I will miss the rogue spirit of you.. Goodbye n God bless..

Mumbai Nagariya!!

Goddamnit!!

You take antibiotics for a stomach virus and its s'posed to take care of the throat infection.. But guess what? She lied!!

You pay through the nasal membranes of your nostrils for the D&G fabric to be tailored by this huge men's boutique and you expect it to look smashing.. But guess what? The black pinstripe on my 6 footer looked worse than my constipated excreta..

You get the best they got for your Internet connection and they somehow manage to have the connection break every 2 minutes which makes downloading mp3's worse than delivering babies.. Worse - when they try givin people new connections, they go out of their way and manage to screw your existing phone connection thereby the Internet goin all whoozy again..

You go to this so-called "5" star hotel into their swanky restaurant.. You specify less oil and less spices.. You'd think they'd get it.. Nope.. Instead you get finely cut green chillies as garnish on a layer full of floating oil and a fried red chilli on top of it. Fan-bloody-tastic.. There goes the unjinxed phase of the colon again.. This time it didnt even reach the "5" day mark..

You drive at 20kph on a normal road in Mumbai just minding your bees-wax and this moron comes slamming right into you.. He gives you his license when you ask for it but when you ask for the insurance papers he scrams.. I mean hey wtf? You go to the cop place and they take 2 hrs to write down your complaint as if you're the wronger not the wronged.. And 10 days later when *you* the wronged go to inquire *you* are informed he is a poor dude from a poor family.. What would you like to have done once he is back in town.. YOU FRIKKIN JOKIN ME SUB INSP $%^&*!! Id like to slap him silly so the next time I sit in my little Zen I don't feel so unprotected.. Id like him to apologise at the least for chewing his tobacco when he was talking to me in arrogance.. Id like to ram a pole up his ripped rear end and plastered there for eternity..

You go to pay your phone bill like good people do.. 2 days before the due date.. But they make you regret that too.. There's just one counter to take care of the 1 lakh+ numbers of this company.. Makes you feel like paying that extra Rs 5 as late fee and not having to stand in this frikkin line and doin it post the due date.

I have more cos I have been having a great day cant you tell? But I'll leave the rest for later.. Need more Oflox for the throat stupid piece of pharmaceutical crap!!

Rebirth - Indian my identity..

Impassioned, I thought I had verbalised all and sundry of my arena to make it public domain and I began to lose coherence when I wanted to distinguish between the make believe and the factual.. And then as usual for the last two days, something inside my muscles started twitching - so many stories to tell, like a kitten I need to unwind the many balls of yarn that keep revolving in my small brain.. And mercurial that I am my decision changed in less than what seemed like a droplet in the paragon of time.. Incommunicado becomes my time when I drift away and not as a phase that I snap out of so I raise my Diet Pepsi today to the life I will put back into this anomaly of my life..

I've had a busy month - 2 weddings.. My cousin got married finally, Hallelujah - Praise the Lord in Kolhapur.. He is a sindhi and I thought this was gonna be one of those showy weddings but it was over populated with loads of amusement park space and no music but a few boring ice sculptures and food.. The other was Amzi's cousins wedding.. Amazing it was like a freakin fair.. Semi-nude performers gyrating to Bolly numbers, a few dozen screens across the stadium to broadcast feeds of the baraat, performers, stage view etc.. A children's blow up jumping castle, a cartoon bear, a clown, balloon-wala.. 40 stalls of chat, 100 mouth fresheners, 50 main courses.. A bigger array of non-alcoholic drinks.. J W Marriott menu's would be put to shame.. But mind you this was the wedding of the baniya class.. Is it me or are stereotypes changing? Im disillusioned as usual..

Silly is going into formal school this year.. My baby's growing up and I am getting worse with him.. Threatening to put him on the road if he doesnt start eating solids properly.. We fight for him to use his straw bottles and finally finally give up the "baby bottles".. I dont remember the last time we just spent a whole day amicably.. I hate being a parent, being the one having to do all this alone..

Timzi's a commander now.. He's flying like a maniac.. I miss his presence of not occupying the house.. He has gotten used to my whining and naggin about leaving his wardrobe a mess, wet towels on the bed, stealing Silly's bugs bunny toothpaste, wearing and extricating his socks and shoes next to the bed.. I've gotten used to the pictures he leaves behind once he excretes in the pot and forgets to flush and the inane long fone calls he is always on.. But Silly misses him more.. Time flies away so soon - I dont remember my baby as a baby.. I want a baby in my hands and home to replace the hollowness I feel..

The other day in the evening I felt like some old bolly songs.. But my collection of cd's was borrowed by my father in law.. So I was singing them and Amzu provided the backup whistlin vocals in between of flipping through his what seemed like 200 manuals.. Between the paaon chu lene do phoolon ko and the mera kuch samaan tumhaare paas pada hai I got lost in the time frame of the music and reached justju jiski thhi and realised the difference between the then Umrao Jaan and the newer one.. I really liked the new one too, the nuances, the twists, outfits, music everything.. Its just the comparison that killed it but on its own ground it was still a stupendous movie, my bias for Abhishek aside..

The Constant Gardener features Ralph Fiennes.. In a scene where he has to enact naked, raw emotion about a loved one's loss he doesn't start howling and wailing - instead he peers through a window in the door and stands there for hours as it seems.. The contortions start after the passage of the few hours into tiny grimaces and small tears rolling by not one after another but in small bursts.. Whimpering almost like Silly when he was slapped across the face for the first time.. A scar I will hold as the worst look on my child's face because of the folly of aught else.. Yes I'm protective of him.. I am his as he is mine and no one else can have an authoritative role in that.. I've had to make that abundantly clear.. My obsession is no longer shadowed and deep-rooted - its on a full on display..

Tomorrow is a new day - I'll make sure the sarcasm and the wit gets back to its normal state with a tinge of masala to make the exaggerations laughable, applaudable.. Humility thy name? Maybe - remember I am mercurial...