Sleeping Partners

We have built our home with our bare hands (OK exaggeration here but not that much really) I did the designing and he did the execution and practical aspects to the 'T'.. So you see everything is custom made.. Like our bed- its bigger than king size to accommodate my 6 ft by 4 ft husband.. I have the hardest time finding sheets that fit :-( I have started gettin even bedsheets tailored to size *sigh*

So now with our main man (the baby) sleeping with his head towards me and feet kickin his father's underbelly and our side hero flaying his legs in the most obtuse angle one could have without reaching a 180 degrees you'd wonder whats left for poor ole little me? A half inch here and a half inch there in which I have to do a gymnast act of fitting my curvaceous body.. Only to find a half hour later our main man decides to have a change of heart and scrounges to find my bare belly to reconfirm and assure its me, only to push me out of the tiny pillow space so he could squeeze as much of my smell into himself to be cozy.. Really what a compliment - but I NEED SLEEP.. good ole comfy sleep where I can relax with my body in a slightly more comfy position :-(

Whilst trying to seek slumber I find little man squeezing himself in his father's armhole for body warmth and the father kissing his hair and forehead instinctively like a bear to cajole him back in the hands of deep rooted slumber.. My babies bonding even in their sleep.. Should be a pleasurable sight but I am jealous.. Mummy's new man should be snuggling with mommy.. I do a little tug and snatch and pull and get him back into my arms where he belongs and again I have caught myself doing the space management thing.. Eventually sleep arrives and I find that we've all moved and Big bear has me nestled in his arms.. Can you imagine there was a time when he whined about not being comfortable sleeping with his front to my back.. And now he has voluntarily lifted me unto his shoulders and chest.. I realize what it is Salil looks for when he submerges into him.. But suddenly just as it came it has vanished!! He woke up like the spoil sport he is because God forbid he sleep in.. The newspapers flung at the door and what in the world could be more important than the news.. The TV blares with the news and business channels being switched and Im left with a painful back and a baby that is just like his father.. He is up and wants his milk (like the father wants tea) and he wants cartoons!!!!

Between news and cartoons I am rendered a mess :-( I either know of quotable quotes from Bob the builder or Barkha Dutt.. God save me from the men in my life..

To imagine I got rid of my brown 4 ft chocolate colored teddy bear with a chocolate colored bow because I had a live human to hug.. For this.. THIS!!!

I need to get back to my old sleeping partner!

Cold Humor

I have absolutely the most fantastic luck in the world ya'know? (Yes this is gonna be another bitch n whine session, get your hot cuppa java or a glass of vino whatever the hell your vice is)..

My Dad was in town recently but didn't pay me a visit (which isn't as important as he didn't get to meet his grandson as much) cos he didn't wanna transfer his viral to us.. But Mr God had better plans in mind.. My cook landed up with a fantastic bout of viral germs which he managed to infect my freshly disinfected house with.. A sneeze on this counter, a cough on that platform, a wipe of his hand on a certain pan, a rubbing of his nose on the dishcloth and voila - Sallitoty and I are down.. With that the sudden change in the decision of the monsoon spraying us with more rain and the driver's down with the viral.. My car that gets sprayed with insecticide every evening is now being sprayed with Lysol (I love you whoever created anti bacterial Lysol!!).. But the driver's been off since like what seems forever (curbing my spirit by grounding me home for being withered).. My maid who comes to sweep the floors got the infection too and how.. Her back's gone for a toss and her work requires her to be immersed in water at all times.. So her's is a severe case which means she hasn't turned up in what seems like forever (look at the state of my nails!! they're almost extinct!!).. And the cook has returned to normal only to now be infected back with the case because between me and the 2yr old we are coughing sneezing using napkins like the river flows through our nose and noises like loud bumps when u drive aka the sound of our cough..

So this week when my Dad came avisiting this time I didn't have him come home lest I infect him with the virus this time.. Irony to it's hilt wouldn't you say? But oh no no no.. Doesn't end there.. He got it anyway because his local secretary, driver and personal butler were down with the viral which got transferred into his local confines anyway just before he boarded the flight for departure..

That's what we call a comic state of affairs my lovelies..

"That's a true story. ...That's my family Kay, it's not me. "

For me, blogging = venting + exercise of my skill but mainly venting.. This one is gonna be an introspective one of sorts so read on at your own risk..

'Godfather' changed the perspective on the way people think and function.. Half the dialogues are still floating in every sit com or movie.. It's s'thing that forms the innate culture of this century.. What am I driving at you ask? "Michael: Fredo, you're my older brother, and I love you. But don't ever take sides with anyone against the Family again. Ever. "

What's that mean? You stick it out.. It's family.. I have grown up with this ideology when Godfather was another phoren movie and I learnt that my brother can fight my battles and my Dad can screw the happiness of someone who hurts me.. Yes you stick it out with family against the world.. So am I wrong when I expect the same of people? Is it such an irrational thought? And to think it isn't even my own battle to begin with!! Whatever happened to the days of good old self-pride? I don't mean vain arrogance but self-pride?

As was very simply stated - "Michael: It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business. "

And this was my business of the day which will leave me in a state of unrest always expecting loyalty - yes loyalty unquestioned that too above all else, over any other alliance.. Thats not a long bill to demand dya think? Anyway who has the time for indulging in semantics when I'd rather have a precarious particular someone who causes this rift 'sleep with the fishes' instead of getting away with misbehavior and misdemeanor because of the neo-saint she hooked up with eh? ;-)

Oh yeah when I mean loyalty I mean unequivocal loyalty towards ME.. not the baby, the original family, but me - the past, present, future!!!

Just so that you can think, keyword being think, Im a promoter of male chauvinism this post ends with my favorite quote - "Don Corleone: [shouts] You can act like a man! "

TOILET training *sigh*

You'd think that all mothers are women right? AAAA WRONG!! If they were dont you think they'd teach their boys some bathroom manners and etiquette? But oh no, heylll noooo.. God forbid men actually got things in THAT department right!!

Lemme explain my fellow roaches and ladies..

When you go to the loo etiquette demands you do a few things as listed below -

a) Dont crush the toothpaste tube from the center?! You slowly keep pushing it from the bottom to the top and fold it in.. Its neater and logical to use it less like a king of the jungle as opposed to a reformed urban creature

b) If the bathroom smells while you occupy or leave it then use the damned air freshner!!! There's a reason we are ready to die of global warmingas opposed to stench nauseating!!

c) Please for the love of God don't leave bits of shaving foam/cream in the sink to get crusty till the next person occupies it and goes eww with the stubs accumulata!! Ewwwww?

d) Boys Boys Boys - the easiest way to get a woman to leave is by leaving the toilet seat up!! And why in hell's name do you swonk it up when you are done excreting? In your genetic code to be jerks eh? And please remember when the woman leaves it means - no one opening doors for you when you forget keys, nobody giving you your food or checking the status of your clothes and the most important no SEX! Got your attention? good!!

e) There's a reason there are two towels in the bathroom and two loofahs.. Pink clearly is not my color but its to tell you back the $%^& off my towel!! I might exchange seminal fluids but that DOES NOT mean we use the same towel or loofah!! Or would you like me using ur toothbrush?

f) Please close the damned lids of the products you use.. Obviously you wouldn't know hither from thither so why are you hell bent on ruining my cherished goods? Do you hate me so?

g) SWITCH OFF the water heater once use is done.. SWITCH OFF the a/c once you have exited the room!! Electricity is not a free or subsidised commodity the last time I checked..

h) Stop taking my section of the newspaper to the toilet and ruinin my crisp paper I look forward to :-( I can't help but imagine booger droppings, and the other various colorful things that the paper mustve been through :-(

i) DRY yourself (OK this doesnt affect anyone but the jerks but still)!! What kind of neandrethal would partially dry himself cos that way he stays cool and airy? Really which madcap sells you these wacky theories?

And I am a mother who is a woman!! My 2 yr old has the toilet seat DOWN!! Loves the lavender (stop makin fun of him? he's 2 ya'know) air freshner and hates tubes and bottles left open.. Loves to see sparkling clean bathrooms else he refuses to go defecate.. Now thats what you guys should be like!!

Paleolithic Creatures!!

*harumph*

Baz Luhrmann - May I join your cult?

i sang a song for you y'day

in my horrible croaky voice

breaking at all the junctures and notes

no, im not being modest but true

but i still sang for you

because i wanted you to know

what it meant to me

to have u hear me..

i played the guitar today

i remembered that chord, that note

my hand held entranced,

my nails digging into the fret board

i strummed mindlessly

i could hear the music echoing out of your home

sweet magic of the tabla and u singing along..

i will dance tomorrow

shouldn't we rejoice?

beginnings and endings all anew

it is the funeral of you plaguing me for the last time..

Changing subjects - maintaining predicates

So I watched The Lost City yesterday and today I undid the damage by watching In The Mix.. OOOOOOOOOOOOOO mama.. Usher is so divinely eatable in every known to womankind or mankind whatever your preference may be.. You see, ever since my baby was in ze tummy my mind was exposed to pretty stuff and I forbid myself to read/watch drama or things I knew would bring me down. He is 2+ now and only since a couple weeks ago I have come back to my calling - DRAMA!! I'd like to believe I'm calm and concise but also overtly dramatic when I need to rise to the occasion.. The drama that surrounds the numerous veils created by Mr Garcia in his body language and expressions left me wanting for more.. More of such an exuberant culture, more of the song n dance routine (Ill always be impacted by Bollywood :-( ), more of the silent unvoiced gestures..

And on the flip side you have Usher who just cuts the wind when he glides.. He reminded me of someone I knew so long ago.. The way he had his undervest on despite throwing his shirt off and parading bare chested through the intermittent spurts.. Yes the deranged woman in me was flabbergasted several times, exasperated even!! God has blessed this man with so many things divine.. A full luscious pout, firm abs, well-developed pectoral muscles, ummmmm - divine.... (OK this post is bending more towards the censor board now - ze subject is abruptly ended here)

Im fascinated with women who change their names after they get married without blinking.. Dual identities.. Man, I have been in love with this man all of my life.. I always wanted to be Mrs AJ but now that I am I cant think of letting go Ms SK.. Ive always been her.. Ive always identified with her.. Independence issues you think? I really doano.. 'Cos this man cages me not.. He hasn't yet asked me point blank why I haven't changed it.. I always get away with my cutesy ways he falls for.. Could I ever feel one with it? I don't know..

I went through your closet yesterday.. As is always it was disheveled.. Wanted to organise it again for you and I had a brief encounter with one of your sweaters.. Your scent still breathed in its weave somewhere.. I picked it up and cradled it like it was a baby in my arms - like you get when you watch an emotional scene and get misty - I love that about you ya'know? I kissed it on its neckline where I imagined it would hit your collar bone.. How nice this sweater fits you, I wish I could drape me around you always.. I hugged it like I'd hug your strong chest and your arms would just rest within the tangles of my hair and my back.. I was rushing in through so many more forgotten memories.. Remind me this time again - I like listening to pj's but I love our history.. You know which one's my favorite? The time outside palmgrove when it rained after the social.. My white gorgeous barrette lost in the muddy pools and you holding me close and the umbrella with the other hand.. I could get dizzy in the smell of you, your hair.. Your eyes shutterbugging the water away.. Both of us - half wet, half dry looking for a rickshaw.. I so kept hoping we wouldn't find one and you'd hold me this close even longer.. I was 16 then and you were my hero.. Today at 31 you are still my hero.. And I only tease you about the celebrity encounters I fantasize about baby.. I am as excited about your form today as I was 15 years ago.. You are a well-sculptured man.. I like how you look when you stand tall with your shoulders occupying half the room, I like the way your back curves in a concave only to end in a beautiful convex posterior.. How well-balanced each part of the curve is to form my initial - S all backward..

But on the flip side (there's ALWAYS a flip side) I HATE your haircut :-( If you want peace of mind then you better change your goddamned hairdresser.. He doesn't listen to me timzi (Your previous one wasn't mentally challenged and realized he'd have to make me happy to get you in there often but this one is a B*NGHOLE!!!! You still have that flick of Dev Anand.. Will that never change? :-( Doesn't Silly's haircut inspire you? :-( Just because of the hair, YOU LOOK LIKE A DWEEB!!!! (now if that isn't motivation to get it shorter I don't know what is:-( ) And besides all of your hairdressers miss me if I don't attend your haircut session by accident.. Im sure this one was celebrating when I left you alone for 5 minutes to fetch something from the car!!

In any case - I have finally made a decision (stop squealing Oh God in the background timz or Im really gonna murder you this time!!) I'm gonna try to be a TV host considering I like the sound of own voice and resonating thoughts and with my diva like attitude I'll fit right in.. Whatcha think darlings?

Meri kahani...

vo na aaye to sataatii hai Khalish sii dil ko,
vo jo aaye to Khalish aur javaa.N hotii hai
- Sahir Hoshiarpuri

I don't care about the movie Stop too much but a couple of the songs are my midnight bluesy faves ya know? I remember all my stories, my incidents reeling in front of me as images being flashed as if Im being questioned about a series of murders.. I feel like the victim, the culprit, the cause, the emotion all at once.. And I yearn for them to stop plaguing me.. My choices, my indecisiveness, my what ifs and if onlys and all I am left with is the torment of my soul.. Some day this too shall pass I tell upon to myself..

How do you let bygones be bygones? How do you control the power of memory? How do you justify and explain regret? How do you backtrack to place yourself in the correct timeline? How do you place him differently? How does it all pass? How do we develop to be so cynical? Despite my hard assed efforts of being a mean nasty swine I still cant be cynical.. I still cant get away with being cold and caustic.. I wish it lurked in my bones somewhere - I yearn to be what I am not.. I yearn to be what I had perceived of myself.. I yearn to be all of my negatives coexisting with my positives.. I yearn to flourish all the flora and fauna I was predicted to endow with my charm and grace.. But I have yet to accomplish those lofty ideas set place by others in front of me..

I trust freely.. But I begin to lose confidence in people when my trust and patience is taken for granted.. I have nothing to hide.. I write about my life openly as if my home were an open door policy.. I'm not about to apologise for being upfront but I expect half of what I dole out.. Its hurtful and bashful when so much is done to cover up so little.. How ridiculous it must make me seem to be a part of lives I touch so freely..

I'm not even gonna touch the subject of why the hell did I have to grow up.. Mum's had enough of that I think.. My whining and moaning has sent her oceans apart from me again.. Her escape from my constant drawing comparisons and parallels.. How I fret at the idea of having taken a philosophy course.. PHIL 101 and now everything is a paradox with premise and conclusions.. One big heated debate.. I would fit quite well amongst the Krane brothers.. Frasier would be a pain with his massive ego ergo I'd love to dominate poor old Nyles and be an accomplice at taking jabs on the respected Mr Krane..

I watch too much TV I think.. In every outburst I find I have to compare it to some external reference of some tele shiets.. Note to self: PICK UP A BOOK AND READ..

P.S: I don't have the guts to pick up Ayn Rand.. The last time I got lost into her soul and felt like a ghost living my life!! You haven't read her yet? You miserable sod!! Pick it up and get as depressing as me ;-)

Loooooopy - 1 per day of the week :-)

Dammit!!! I wanna be born in the centuries of Draupadi where it's ok to have more than one spouse :-( I'm stuck in an apparently more modern generation where monogamy is in!! BORING!!!!

Well no I ain't lacking all the adventure and fun in my own marriage that I need to start eyeing multiple spouses but you know the desire does lurk on once in a while especially after you listen to Abbey's Tarana Pyar Ka.. Now if you have ever seen this man in an interview you'd know.. He has this beautiful quirky face which has his nose contorting and constricting when he's kidding around but when he has his guitar (I have this thing for men and their acoustic guitars and magic happenin soon after *thuddddd*) and he sings off Careless Whispers doing a better rendition than George Michael unplugged you can't but help view the entire event as anything but orgasmic dude!! (Oh shut up you prudes - it's just describing a reaction not the actual process!!)

But coming back to this problem of a single spouse - if I could I'd first get everything known possible a la Rani Mukherji - have a nutritionist, trainer, dermatologist, fashion designer etc in my armory and of course have a few liposuctions and tummy tucks and phasao my beloved Bhaiyyu aka Bachchan Jr. He has to be paid the respect that's due to him thats why he'd reign on the numero uno position.. The flavas of the season would follow with the actual hubby making it to a close 2nd ;-) I have to add an element of reality into this dream to make it plausible boss! Ok #3 would HAVE to be Richard Branson simply because I'd have to over-compensate for these two men being so non-exhibitive and explosive when it comes to being in the public eye all the time. Also I guess the thrill to finally have this man's fancy tied down to one would be a challenge I'd love to endure.. #4 would be Guru Dutt.. It's Guru Dutt - enough said.. #5 would be Richie Rich only because I'm tired of his goody two shoes image.. I'd wanna corrupt his entire existence ;-) #6 would be Rahul Gandhi - for all the loopy stories that'd exist in his family and also because he does look ever so delicious and having a fist in politics wouldn't be such a bad idea ya'know ;-) #7 would be Rahul Dravid.. Why you ask? Well I'd like to end my trapeze act with someone who has such silent charisma with feet firmly planted on the ground..

Yeap that's it.. Transgressions of just single number 7.. I'm not greedy you see just love variety and spice :-)

Blasphemy!

Whoaaa... Easy on your words my lovelies..

I have been getting hate mail of turning too soft!!! Ermm really my darlings - me? soft? Just cos I talk of the world in love and harmony mode I'm thought of as turning soft :-( Right on then! Here comes me full of Bush uncle's armament and power.. Radio One have your armor ready!!

Its been almost a month and some more and Taranna is no where in sight!! No announcements on the part of Radio One except for a rude awakening suddenly having to decide calling the show the Jaggu & Sangram show.. Well "Hitman" Sangram I can assure you that I hate you from within and with OUT!! I want, oh forget the I, WE the people, want Taranna back.. I miss Jaggu and his fun filled banter and I am tired of listening to your overtly always enthusiatically happy voice dominating the sound waves :-(

Ermm sorry those of you who aren't in the loop - the popular morning show on the popular radio channel has changed one of its RJ's.. When Kelly replaced Kathy Lee in the "Live with Regis and Kathy Lee" she brought about good change.. She brought about spunk, new ideas, different flavor and a whole new lease of life to a show that was trudging along its viewership of the oldies.. I mean I was then a 20 s'thing vivacious bubbly human and even *I* got hooked onto it and its delicious guests..

But this Hitman (I hate you I so hate you) is too damned happy.. His incessant unending cheer of joy is bringing me down.. No I am NOT crazy but its like he is always on a damned high which can get very irritating.. Not to mention the loveamylife Jaggu doesn't get to add in his sarcy cold humor bits which I used to so look forward to each morning :-( My tea doesn't taste the same more, the gossip in the supplement newspaper has no allure, my morning ritual has virtually been screwed up because of this odd replacement :-( If it weren't for my 2 yr old Id have gathered a buncha folk and done dharna outside their studio but unfortoonately I am stuck with their retarded choices of overtly HAPPY people and lack of good fun and banter :-(

For those of you who think that the radio ka morning show is irrelevant please go and give yourselves a nice kick in your rear.. You have no idea what you missed out on.. These were the people who kept me sane during Ganesh Chaturti days on my drive to and fro to town at 7 am.. I used to enjoy being in the air conditioned comforts of my car, reading and applying my make up while having them incessantly go on about s'thing inane.. Now, I can't wait for the songs to tune in and for that idiot retard Hitman to shut his dumb ass up!!!!

But on a happier note I have been flirting with Jaggu over SMS.. And I think he has realised how he needs to put his 20 cents worth in at times so I can almost sense him beating the crap outta Sangram verbally once the mic's are switched off.. WOOHOO you go baby.. and I Love You Jags :-)

P.S: If you heard him, you'd realise the need for expletives in this post..

Constant meandering

I am no music connoisseur.. But just the voice of Kunal Ganjawala echoing through the speakers at any given time - be it a known or unknown song, leaves me in a mood to sway.. Even if the number is amazingly depressing I just feel like melding into the song and losing myself in it..

Yes its his voice but also how he enunciates his words.. With a small gasp of air passing his breath once he has sung themwith a strange sortta s'thing that could best be described as a sensual lisp.. Even simple words have a way of sounding so poetic once uttered in his magical ways..

But that's not my entry for today.. that was just the effect of the music swirling around..

I wanted to write about driving today.. Driving your own car.. A pleasure I'm sure all of you take for granted considering you do it everyday.. Ask me - I drive a few times a year when I'm home in a land where traffic signals exist for a reason and there are laws you can't break by flashing a Govt Id or dropping a hari patti into the pandu's pocket..

I remember driving recklessly as a youth.. Chatting away on the tiniest Nokia out at the time.. Totally brand-conscious in my signature whites and blacks.. Music blaring screaming my identity as an Indian in a land predominantly full of goray and I'd have people of different races do a little jig for me on Saturday mornings at a crosswalk, when I'd be zipping through downtown to reach the Brewery.. My friends could recognize me miles away and no it wasn't because my brother's car was the first to be flashed around or even his "KRAZY" license plate.. Its because the car had attitude.. Its because the car represented him.. Its because the car idealised him and I was using it just as I have occupied everything else that is his as my own.. Its also because I used to be so chatty and my parents had this idea of staying in touch always.. And in a family of four we occupied fone lines almost every minute of the waking hours.. Add my husband, the then flava of the season, and rockin dude!! I'd be on fone perenially.. I'd even stop my local flirting for the flava to get in communication from oceans away.. Yes, those were the days..

My beautifully highlighted perfectly groomed hair spraying across in the cold chills of the moonshade and windows of the then newest ML 320.. My Chanel shades covering half my face and my bright eyed sparks.. My Anne Klein watch telling on how much the flava was losing to his cell phone company.. My Aldo boots reminding me how I take my Dad for granted.. My tuxedo shirt and black suit a total paradox to my vibrant personality adding years to my mental age in their outlook.. My perfume - a perfect fragrance of my personality, always bought by the flava.. How he knew exactly the way my chemistry works and what defines the brash n sassy with the sensitive n mushy is beyond me.. Not once as he tried a perfume on my skin but he has known they'd be evocative nonetheless.. Yes - I was a different me, with my Christian Dior bag and white YSL shirt and Pepe jeans with a CK belt defining my casual attire.. Even my sterling silver bracelet from Hermes a gift from my dad had an aircraft a teddy bear and a horse shoe all of which were connected with the flava and considering how dad detested him I was knockered.. Dad had sent me my first keychain then from Bally.. My first most treasured possession.. Yes the men in my life have spoilt me silly.. Between treasure chests and poems being specially etched on crystal, to wooden carvings of a memory to last forever, to a candy bouquet for simply existing.. Surprise parties for getting admission into the local uni so that I didn't have to be miles away from B where he even had sugar rimmed glasses with chocolate shakes and strawberry.. Hand dyed shoes matching this amazing midnight blue nightgown.. A birthday greeting from dad couriered as a cutout from a newspaper.. 16 half blooms long stemmed roses and a chocolate cake on my 16th bday being delivered by this handsome butler to my doorstep.. Yes, these men have made me feel very special and I will always cling on to these moments which aren't out of a Mills n Boon novel rather a personal life experience..

Thanks dad.. I don't get to thank you enough for all the love I have disregarded so many times.. For the care and concern you still bestow despite having your tiny eyes closed to the world.. For all your hard-earned money I spent on being brand conscious foolishly.. For making me half the parent you are with unreserved amounts of patient and love..

Thanks b.. I carry you in my thoughts, in every single moment I breathe I gasp for fresh air asking God to bless you all that you deserve.. In everything I do I worry about letting you down of your aspirations of me.. I only hope one day you can be physically accessible at all times even if for brief moments of letting away my fears and anguish in that one hug u enevlope me with.. And please don't make fun of me at the airports when I leave you with tears bellowing from my eyes..

Jaan - I'm rude, mean, nasty and callous with you.. I'm on my worst behavior with you and you've still stuck around.. Forget my scribblings, they are nothing.. I dedicate this life to you and I don't know about rebirth but wherever I am I always want you with me.. Yes I wanna suffocate and strangle you with my presence and you un-bore me of my entire existence..

Sallitoty - Read this and realise you have 3 men as examples set before you.. And if you turn out anything like I imagine your combination to be because of your exposure and influence of them then you're gonna rock the world.. You are anyway my superstar and stop emotionally blackmailing me with your sweet kisses on my belly and feigned innocence on ur rapscallion face!

Discord = Diss Accord!!

Odes to happiness bore me.. They are absolutely and purely unintelligent shitty material.. Makes for horrid reading.. Ever gone through a book and counted how many pages it takes to write about final happiness? 1 thats right.. the single prime number 1.. And how many pages does the author digress dismal sadness in? No single numbers at least.. And there's a reason for it too.. Happiness is great when its happening to self but when it happens to someone around you, you begin to wonder - is it OK for me to relent this? Is it ok for me to want to be in their place? Is it OK for me to stay away cos I cant stand this?

I hate being around people when I'm happy ;-) Does it show? I think its my over-confidence that reeks..

There's another thing that gets me into a frenzy.. Expiry dates.. Why do people make such a huge monumental deal about things that expire? People outlive their worth.. They exhaust their growth and they cannot sustain different brainwaves or wavelengths.. When s'thing becomes too much of a burden to trudge along don't you just leave the baggage aside? It's almost like taking a terminally ill appendage and carrying its weight forever.. Worst is people who can't get the message and cannot let go.. The message is loud and clear - have some pride.. If I'm not reaching or responding then have enough self-pride to back the &*($ off.. But oh no, no.. Lingering is a thing that people indulge in these days..

I feel suffocated between people who can't handle happiness and people who expire their usage..

Am I so self-centered that I can't see beyond myself? No I am just another anti-social person who hates having their space invaded.. So think of me as you will but my views will come haunt you once your personal and private space gets trampled and smeared on as if it were a vile sanctimonious territory..

He-man Hero

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

That's the song that's been running through my head all evening.. Aah pure bliss.. When my man has his arms around me protectively, suggestively barricading the world off of me, when I'm nestled in the grip of his wide chest and soft embrace, I feel like I'm home.. It transcends every thought, every fear, every feeling and makes me feel like - makes me feel like - yes, makes me feel like a hero..

He had that look in his eyes today ya'know? The look I've been searching for in his eyes for so long now.. Of appreciation, of admiration, of camaraderie, of equality, but most of all - the primeval look a neanderthal gives his woman :-) I'm his and I submit to him each time he reigns over my heart and soul.. He fascinates me when he comes to my wavelength to decipher where my mind has wandered off to this time..

Yes today was pure bliss but like always short lasted.. He's leavin on a jet plane and I know he'll be back in a week maybe 10 days, but this wait just kills me to collapse into him all over again.. I don't want to complain of back pain, I don't want to shower and have him not kiss my the back of my neck, I don't want to wash my hair and not have him sigh at the whiff of it spraying through him, I don't want to wear my eyeliner when he's not staring into the mirror wondering what it is I am going to do to tantalize him today, I don't want to wear my high heels to match up to his height to kiss me, I don't want to tie my scarf or wear my ring for him not to adorn it..

I only want to have him near all the time.. And today I wish with all my might that tonight will last forever like every other night, every other night that doesn't seem to end because of his absentia..

P.S: jaan, if you're reading this - I love you..

Hiss absentia

I had an epiphany recently.. I have loved too many times in vain.. But the classic one defeats even Liz Taylor's story.. I have loved and lost the same man continually for the last 15 years.. I have lost him around 9 times (Im not counting the times where we were separated for less than 6 months) and the times I have spent with him has been 10% of elapsed time without him.. And I've ended up marrying this very same man knowing fully well that my existence will continue in the manner of seeing him 10% of the year.. So now, who do you think constitutes as the biggest retard in the universe? YES!!!!! me :-) I must really love this man methinks.. Either that or I might be sadistic.. Which could be a possibility considering how my home is filled with medicines of different kinds and names - my son seems to think I run a pharmacy when neighbors come to me with their ailments and I dole out what I deem best for their illness.. Not to mention at the age of 2, he is fascinated by the idea of pill-popping considering the amount of medications I ingest.. You'd think most of it would be harmless multi-vits etc right? Oh hell no.. I'm more screwed up than that.. The majority constitutes steroids and those feel-good drugs like Delottid and Demarral.. OOoooooh yeah baby..

How do I gain access to this you say? Well see that's how I have NOT digressed this once.. Seeing the man I wanted to spend the rest of my LIFE with but seeing him only for 40 days in a year means I have "stress".. Oh yeah that scary word - which means logic has beaten the sane medical professionals to resort to an escape called - "stress".. So anyway, my stress makes sure I have problems in every arena.. Kidney stones, Colitis, Low hemoglobin, and loads others which aren't really that fatal but sound horrifying when listed all together.. The best one is getting low on sugar ;-) What a fantastic way to splurge calories on muffins and biscotti with the excuse of sugar drrrrroooppping..

Anyway, in comparison, this man of mine, exists totally healthy.. Why you may ask? Well consider this.. His needs are met, his daily requirements taken care of and he needs to jhelo his wife n kid for only 40 days a year.. Even if it exceeds that limit by 10 days - guys picture this.. 315 days no stress of whats up with the vices increasing when you vowed that you'd quit during our engagement/marriage/pregnancy/birth of child.. No more landmarks left to quit but nobody asking you whether they look fat, how its irritating to have the toilet seat up and all the other banal reasons normal people who co-habitate go through for exploding like volcanoes.. Lucky dogs you!!

See it from my perspective - I quit work, have a driver to take me to the far off lands within the city called Mumbai but the driver has to leave for 3 months to tend his farms for harvesting season so I need to be rendered hapless and helpless till I find a new one.. I have a cook who comes in 1-3 hours early or late than the designated time and makes a mess of my kitchen, lets my vegetables rot and finishes the one that aren't even ripe yet.. I have one maid to sweep the floors and wash the utensils but she has to have a holiday every public holiday which in this country is every second day considering the number of religions we respect.. I have another maid to ensure the house is free of dust lest I catch on the allergy of dust mites and land up with a new disease but this woman herself doesn't shower in days and gets the stench of the world with her.. And I have a laundry-man who irons all of my sofa covers, bedsheets and clothes.. I'd be lucky if he makes his presence felt once every week at least and that to before I've collapsed into bed.. He makes sure he rings the bell either before 7:30 am or after 10:30 pm.. I then have a milkman who comes regularly everyday but considering Im his last stop at 8:30 am, he never has enough milk to sustain my household of me and my son.. I have a man who is hired to clean the cars but the cars remain untouched from the inside.. I discovered a packet of chips yesterday half eaten and the other half loaded in fungus from almost a year gone by.. No wonder now there is cockroach infestation.. There's a mechanic for taking care of my cars but he requires the cars to be with him for at least a minimum for a week.. My son has a paediatrition who opens his clinic at 9:30am and his fone line is busy as always.. If you call after 9:35am the days appointments are done.. So my son has to get sick according to the time his dude is free.. I have a family doctor who is med happy.. My son requires antibiotics for a viral sore throat (don't know how virus and bacteria are of the same family but anyway) and this man prescribes a growth medication, multi-vits, anti allergic, and a fever suppressant.. Now my son is a strong man (you should see his gene pool) and requires 3 ppl to put down 3/4 tsp of antibiotics once a day.. How this GP expects me to give him 4 meds 3 times a day is beyond me but hey, wishful thinking does exist..

And in all this, I still consider this a normal world and a happy working marriage.. How you may ask? Well it may be because of all the pill popping ;-) Or maybe love truly is deaf blind dumb mute and all the other handicaps you can think of? But in all honesty, I still wouldn't have it any other way - just this way with this man of mine..

Ijaazat mei Ibaadat

Aaj, after so many days, I revisited the movie Ijaazat.. It was playing on the cable and I couldn't resist visiting a movie like this.. Alas, they don't make them like anymore.. That's what you thought Id say didn't you? Do you really think with all the spewing Im doing I would be likely to say s'thing so mundane and overdone? Well then you were right ;-)

So real, so easy to figure out the actors and their roles.. As opposed to that in KANK.. Yes I know I know I liked it too but after watching Ijaazat I have realized Karan Johar spent too much time missing out the real links between relationships.. Or did he? Do you and I not opt to reach out to the universe at large despite finding nothing lacking in our own inner worlds of conflict?

I spend too much time over analyzing :-( I've realized that its out of a fear of dying because of Alzheimers.. Ive started drinking more juice and stopped using bartan made of the element Al.. I think Im happier with my schizophrenia.. One more mental ailment and they'd lock me up for sure!! They don't make dementia like me anymore ;-) But who knows if you are actually reading this you could become a part of the same dementia and you could pass it on.. Quick run away before they malign you with the tag of this disease!!

You too fell in the captivate of "they" didn't you? I hate them.. They blame it on stress when they run out of logical answers.. They tell me to ignore a 3 yr old baby whose legs are as skinny as my fingers and whose ribs jut out.. They tell me it's OK to wait in a queue endlessly when my baby is crying out of illness because the 24 hr dispensary really is a mock up room to pay the bank for the mortgage and the doctor there is really some naturopath quack.. They say its OK to pay 33% in income tax and still have roads that deteriorate the performance of my 16 lakh car and spend absurd amounts on fuel to reach a distance of 30 kms in an hour.. They say if someone hurts you its OK to get into your shell because they are the majority..

Yes, I've deviated and digressed.. Sue me.. But please don't become a bracket or subset of "them"..

This one's for you

He seems to think I have a complaint about him in so many aspects when all I can say is that he sets me off higher.. I may be a philanderer to a very small degree but does that make his influence on me any less? NO of course not!!! It makes me a lover of facial hair and short haircuts and nothing in between!! It makes me fallible, it makes me human, it makes me - me; the one with the spirit of an untamable horse..

I do not like the smell of poop especially not horse poop.. Really if horse poop was so big in the aroma region wouldn't Ralph Lauren and Christian Dior be making perfumes of their poop instead of D&G concentrating on adding the smell of leather into their musky colognes? So stop making fun of me you avid nature freaks and leave me be to find a formula to annihilate the insect species!! I was digressing as usual :-(

Coming back to what I was saying though, I do feel my spirit is akin to the stallion from the animation "Spirit".. And rightly so, because no human should feel entrapped in its own cage of ifs and buts.. Instead one should be able to experience the entire gamut of existentialism and then, and only then should they want to feel to stay within their confines of what is governed as normal..

Wake up, smell the fresh tar of the roads (no Im not weird but if you lived in a city where the roads are constantly broken and made in a span of what seems to be a light year as opposed to a year you'd understand), take a dose of your pump to de-clog your senses from smog and smile.. You are a free person.. Don't feel like a slave to the dictates of society (No you pervs - I do not mean go copulate with the entire universe.. You are human not from bunny-clan!!)..

Thus ends this post of a person who constantly lives in contradiction.. Im too chicken to do what I say (I am a sati savitri bharatiya nari and I can hear all the people who know me go - Yeah right :-P) so when you believe and submit just inform me of the aftermath.. I'd love to feel so much more better about myself in my cushy little chair where I don't stray far enough into the woods to feel the thunderous bolts and jolts..

And btw this post also does not mean , Veux-tu coucher avec moi ce soir? It just means carpe diem and joie de vivre..

P.S: Does my love for using languages unbeknownst to me show?

Break Dance

Lets do our little dance why don't we.. Let's do that little dance we do to irate each other, to make sure the other is feeling as insecure in this.. Lets do that little jig so we know for sure their heart still ticks to our beats momentum.. Gee what fun..

Ugh!! The mentality of adults as they grow older seem to transcend in the opposite direction of adolescents.. Whoever said relationships are built to last was high on s'thing.. I'm not sure it was the smell of petrol speaking or the injected heroin oozing out of their pen.. How can anything last when you keep trying to break the foundation? How long do you test the threads till you know for sure, "hey its gonna be here awhile now.. i can stop pinching poking prodding and all the other p'ing".. Now I know I am working in contradiction directly with my earlier post about being able to be taken for granted but seriously people - MIDDLE DAMN GROUND!!! Or has that become like a foreign and alien concept now?

But really, once the rosy phase is over I'd like to go and ask people - baby what in God's will were u actually thinking? Is this really what you want? Is this what you've been 'waiting for an eternity' for? And once the turbulence arises I'd like to just go and smile and defiantly say in my head - Hey buddy, I told you so :-) (thats only if I wear my armour before they stone me!)

So which phase are you in now? Can we please have you fast forward to the I told you so phase? Pretty please? :-)

Shoulder Surfing

According to urbandictionary.com, this means "To look over the shoulder(s) of a person with whom you are currently engaged in conversation to see if you can find someone 'better' to talk to."

Now pray tell me, when is the last time we haven't deviated from the current interest at hand? Be it a job, an object of luxurious materialistico, a lover, a friend and sometimes yes even our own self-worth? Im proud to say I shoulder surf most if not all of the time. At least Im honest enough to accept it. What about you? Can you come to terms with it within yourself and say it out loud instead of being pretentious and dedicated to whatever it is you currently fancy? The last thing you need is suffocation within it because as we all know *that* just leads to disinterest.

I live my life like a voyeur. Vicariously through this single, independent, bold, outrightly ferocious woman who I call my friend. If only we could split lives I'd be kicking ass and she'd be changing diapers. And we both would've been more santusht with ourselves mesays. I wish I could go to work, whine about it (and feel great self-worth inside anyway due to my accomplishments), earn my money (though a fraction of what my husband earns) and feel like I am on top of the world, and sleep and wake up at an odd hour that my body dictates not the sound of my baby cooing into my ears - "Mama, dudu".. I wish I could wear indecent clothes, have men brawl over me (believe me there was a time when this unsightly body didn't look this way) and still dance away at a club being totally in the unknown about the number of heartbreaks.. Yes, I'd like to be footloose and fancy-free.. I'd love to be superficial with a care the f!@# attitude..

But then it happens, he comes to me with this incredulous smile as soon as he wakes up in the morning.. Hops on to the couch right next to me and hugs me like I've never felt more comforted ever.. He gives me a kiss on my cheek and wishes me a good morning and looks into my eyes with a twinkle saying I'm ready to have my chocolate milk.. He feels soft, he smells of mothercare moisturizing cream and sweat like his father.. His hair rubs against the palm of my fingers and I just cave.. I don't want to work, I don't care about the brawls.. This is it.. He is my life.. but I still retain the right to 'Shoulder Surf' when I begin to lose interest just so that he can bring me back in.. In to my own life, his life, that I feel treasured and priveleged to be a part of..

Pea Brains

Whatever said and done, at the end of the day it was desipundit.com who had me introduced to this wonderful world of blogging.. I realised that there are so many souls who dont have sputum as verbatim from books; but actually people of my age (some so much younger and wiser) that feel like my ilk.. I could relate more to them than the Arundhati Roy's and Rohinton Mistry's.. How could this be? My thought processes needed food for stimulation and I received that in the form of evestigio and parth and geetanjali's work amongst so many more I have been exposed to in the last so long..

But that's not what my first post is about.. Its as it should be - about angst.. Unportrayed and unexhibited angst.. They say they love you, they give you a time and if you don't work around that time limit in 15 minutes, boom!! The love has dissipated and so have they.. En facto they forget - children, work, maids, life can't be put on a timetable but nonetheless love does dissipate.. Once the newness dies pea brains take birth.. The thought of taking somebody for granted used to be such a heavenly notion once upon a time.. Now it is simply a lack of courtesy from the men I have been exposed to in the world.. Pea Brains and not aught else..

And on that note, I need to add my current love interest is Ajay Devgan in Omkara.. Anyone willing to serve him to me in any form on a platter will be rewarded well and thusly.. He makes ones palette reach no bounds in drool-dom and I have realised my undying attraction towards Abhishek Bacchan may falter if this stithi continues..

And there ends my first post.. No it may not sound erudite today nor may it be intelligent.. But isn't that what random abstract thoughts are all about? Aren't they about just being in the state of being? Well then, this is being for today..