Rebirth - Indian my identity..

Impassioned, I thought I had verbalised all and sundry of my arena to make it public domain and I began to lose coherence when I wanted to distinguish between the make believe and the factual.. And then as usual for the last two days, something inside my muscles started twitching - so many stories to tell, like a kitten I need to unwind the many balls of yarn that keep revolving in my small brain.. And mercurial that I am my decision changed in less than what seemed like a droplet in the paragon of time.. Incommunicado becomes my time when I drift away and not as a phase that I snap out of so I raise my Diet Pepsi today to the life I will put back into this anomaly of my life..

I've had a busy month - 2 weddings.. My cousin got married finally, Hallelujah - Praise the Lord in Kolhapur.. He is a sindhi and I thought this was gonna be one of those showy weddings but it was over populated with loads of amusement park space and no music but a few boring ice sculptures and food.. The other was Amzi's cousins wedding.. Amazing it was like a freakin fair.. Semi-nude performers gyrating to Bolly numbers, a few dozen screens across the stadium to broadcast feeds of the baraat, performers, stage view etc.. A children's blow up jumping castle, a cartoon bear, a clown, balloon-wala.. 40 stalls of chat, 100 mouth fresheners, 50 main courses.. A bigger array of non-alcoholic drinks.. J W Marriott menu's would be put to shame.. But mind you this was the wedding of the baniya class.. Is it me or are stereotypes changing? Im disillusioned as usual..

Silly is going into formal school this year.. My baby's growing up and I am getting worse with him.. Threatening to put him on the road if he doesnt start eating solids properly.. We fight for him to use his straw bottles and finally finally give up the "baby bottles".. I dont remember the last time we just spent a whole day amicably.. I hate being a parent, being the one having to do all this alone..

Timzi's a commander now.. He's flying like a maniac.. I miss his presence of not occupying the house.. He has gotten used to my whining and naggin about leaving his wardrobe a mess, wet towels on the bed, stealing Silly's bugs bunny toothpaste, wearing and extricating his socks and shoes next to the bed.. I've gotten used to the pictures he leaves behind once he excretes in the pot and forgets to flush and the inane long fone calls he is always on.. But Silly misses him more.. Time flies away so soon - I dont remember my baby as a baby.. I want a baby in my hands and home to replace the hollowness I feel..

The other day in the evening I felt like some old bolly songs.. But my collection of cd's was borrowed by my father in law.. So I was singing them and Amzu provided the backup whistlin vocals in between of flipping through his what seemed like 200 manuals.. Between the paaon chu lene do phoolon ko and the mera kuch samaan tumhaare paas pada hai I got lost in the time frame of the music and reached justju jiski thhi and realised the difference between the then Umrao Jaan and the newer one.. I really liked the new one too, the nuances, the twists, outfits, music everything.. Its just the comparison that killed it but on its own ground it was still a stupendous movie, my bias for Abhishek aside..

The Constant Gardener features Ralph Fiennes.. In a scene where he has to enact naked, raw emotion about a loved one's loss he doesn't start howling and wailing - instead he peers through a window in the door and stands there for hours as it seems.. The contortions start after the passage of the few hours into tiny grimaces and small tears rolling by not one after another but in small bursts.. Whimpering almost like Silly when he was slapped across the face for the first time.. A scar I will hold as the worst look on my child's face because of the folly of aught else.. Yes I'm protective of him.. I am his as he is mine and no one else can have an authoritative role in that.. I've had to make that abundantly clear.. My obsession is no longer shadowed and deep-rooted - its on a full on display..

Tomorrow is a new day - I'll make sure the sarcasm and the wit gets back to its normal state with a tinge of masala to make the exaggerations laughable, applaudable.. Humility thy name? Maybe - remember I am mercurial...