I have the 'quan'?! I do!!

Elvis Presley had his blue suede shoes, Jessica Simpson has her boots, Chris de Burgh had his lady in red, and I have the illusion of my too good to be true optical wear.. My latest materialistic appendage Im attached to at the hip.. yes currently Im 'bespectacled'..

So anyway Biyu n I got into this headlock about correction laser surgery to get rid of the dependence on my glasses.. The real reasons aside the more superficial yet heart rendering one is my relatively newly acquired tortoise shell frames.. It camouflages my dark circles.. I can come across as a all business no fun serious pole up the ass, and I can even play it down to look like a kid (minus the stress lines on the skin) in pigtails and wanna-be-grown-up glasses.. But yeah, theyre more than a remedy for lens handicaps of one of the most important senses.. They function as the best fashion accessory Ive ever owned.. Yet another advertising marketing personnel kindda spectacles that ami bemoans but ones that frame my face well.. It keeps all my features in perspective including my rather long nose and narrow cheekbones.. I can tie up my hair like a school marm and have my glasses on and still look reasonably passable.. I can drop Sol to school in pajamas on a bad day with my glasses on and pass off the look of an intellectual busy soccer mom.. I can have a bad skin n hair day but with the tortoise shell the glitches fade away.. Yes its my fixer upper.. It makes me happy just to have em on.. Leave aside the fact that it cures half my headaches away and puts it at bay.. Thus saving the bill for the umpteen crocins and tylenols I need to pump myself up with.. Although it does take away the excuse for coffee deprivation :(

Sooooo.. I watch a lot of movies.. I breathe food and eat movies.. And I am the happiest given the quotas of these two subjects for me are in satiated natures..

I had watched Zindaggi Rocks a long time ago.. Don't know if it found a way into something I blithered about earlier.. But yesterday it was running on the cable and I got Ami to watch it.. Of course the nerd that he is, he had to qualify his 'wastage of time' by checking the reviews so he was aware that it was a tragedy.. I fell in love with Sushmita Sen all over again.. That role was tailor made for her.. And theres this song - humko chhoonay paas.. Of course another one of my 'endearing' traits is to get obsessed with a song and have it on constant replay mode for say a whole buncha days, maybe even a couple of weeks.. Part of the aura that makes my intensity so extreme dude (Im camouflaging personality disorders into pretty words.. Im good with language cant you see).. So as Im writing this blog post Im listening to the song.. Such is the need to listen to it all times that I spent 2 hours wondering why I couldn't upload it on the phone and when I was sleeping I had it playing with headsets on.. No this isn't insanity.. This is called ' passion'.. And anyone who claims otherwise has a weak heart with no loyalties and true callings to one's own..

Whilst on the subject of creatures created to disrupt perfect harmony in a well organized life only to create chaos - kids, have I mentioned anywhere over here that I'm now the proud recipient of the miracle that God calls daughters.. I of course think I was the biggest pain in the arse for my folks.. But this angel seems so unlike me.. She stole my heart even when I had made up my mind I wouldn't let it get all crumbled into pieces again.. Im lost in my loyalties with Sol.. Can't help falling for her simple smile and gurgle whenever I pass her around and I look at Solly's face telling me that I haven't cuddled him into bed since so long, I haven't held him in my lap and hugged him for insane amounts of time, I haven't been this mother eternal version with him, I haven't kissed him till the two of us have tears rolling down our face.. But I want him to naturally understand at his tender age of 4 that he will always be my first love and he has my heart in his closed fist.. But he's a good kid nonetheless.. He keeps drooling on Kai like a puppy would at his new acquisition.. He has also become a fantastic cook for brownies.. He can even set the temperature with the minutes on the oven.. The women he dates better thank me..

And the man who dated, dined and wed me better thank the heavens that I missed *one* of my callings - architecture.. Else I'd have my hands in more pies than I do currently and that wouldn't be such a pretty picture for my paleolithic, neanderthal, old fashioned, child at heart husband.. But I do make it a point to now catch up on the latest in the field and try and amalgamate as much knowledge on the subject to make up for the lack of guts to keep up with algebra, trigonometry, calculus and some such.. Math is not my forte as would be obvious else the heart wouldn't be served on a platter each and every common stance occasion..

So while I do a mind boggling calculation on current events and status of them - I am relieved to say jet lag is slowly dissipating post beautiful vacation.. Im coming to terms being a 'housewife' but refuse to be addressed as anything but homemaker.. Im beginning to hate the 'occupation' part of official forms but I swallow the bitter pill slightly easily than I did earlier.. And Im beginning to contemplate new occupations.. The 'go to' person would be one such.. Which school, what forms, plus's minuses.. Which street, what crossing, which by lane, for ostrich leather custom made shoes.. etc etc.. Some place to put use to all this redundant info I have acquired and assimilated in my being caged in this city..

I watched Serendipity all over again.. Wasn't enough that I had watched a million times on TBS at first being subjugated to it unwillingly and then slowly falling in love with the manicorn - John Cusack- for every slight winch in his face.. For his disheveled hair and his long frame and gait.. I absolutely love the song - dont wanna love in vain - and Kate Beckinsale has the very same hair coloring that I desire.. And of course I wish I wrote and spoke like the charlie who is supposed to be the best friend, brother, first wife all in one.. Satire doesnt come easy and humor is a trait I better have left for those with thick rhino skin who can throw muck at themselves and still have a throaty laugh.. One of these days Im gonna pick it up too.. Just you wait and watch..

But anyway the writer in me is at a juncture where Im perplexed about a connect in a plot.. Is the protaganist more humiliated when asked to leave somebody else's haven for sanctity of peace.. Or is she more slighted when told to pay rent for her own home by family? Because at the end of the day the value of one emotion is described only by something better and worse to give it the rating of being on what end of the richter scale..

April - I await you breathlessly.. I cant wait for you to transport me home.. April - come soon, I need to breathe again.. April - I feel like a child owned and disowned.. April - render me unconscious..

I'll be back home now only in April 2009! :-(

Love letters

I'm not gonna be archaic and consider only inked letters on paper as love letters but something as inane as a post it or placard come under the BIG branch of love letters for me..

I'm a romantic at heart.. Forgive me if this is too sappy and lacks the usual doom of banishing the entire gamut of miscreants but love letters are all around us..

I finally finally FINALLY ended up watching the Sex & the City film a couple days ago.. Its how Sarah Jessica mentions the book of Love Letters from the Great Men of the world that got me thinking.. And finally much alike her inbox, the last love letter had an uncanny resemblance.. STOP - don't go any further and scroll right down to the end and begin bottom wards up.. Get a coffee, put on some Dean Martin, perch up your legs on a chair and let the flimsy breeze of a melancholy wind touch you and fly by..

I've been literally serenaded when I was oceans away.. daily although seemingly boring events laced with perfect comic timing were sent as quirky emails and a whole entire program written involving graphics when technology wasn't as easy to grasp as is today.. So much more prettier than your regular flowers and chocolates fanfare..

I've regaled colossal hours on end about miniscule details on long distance phone calls when there wasn't any competition in the telecom market and the both of us paying unsurmountable bills to compensate for not being able to 'date' in the same time zone..

There have been crazy dramatic sms's - some short, some long.. prolific but meaningful and some saved for over 9 years to the extent that I refuse to discard the phone lest I lose the phone on which I received the particular sms..

I've had an erratic frantic phone call in school when cell phones werent the adage of the day.. all because I felt highly perky and sent off a cheeky email pretending to be hurt.. And of course the caller again was some 10 states away from me..

I've had to gather and surmise from various sources said and unsaid things, reflections of my life aired out on national television, about a relationship that never took birth because neither of us thought the 'runaway bride' would finally give in..

I've always loved the particular Parker ink pen because its black ink scribbled in terse emotive small script across rammed notepad sheafs spelt the reason why this man would become the most pristine period of my life..

The most simplest thing like inscribing a book with just a few simple words took my breath away.. And this coming from the most verbose human on the planet (moi) seems a little strange..

An actual pen and paper letter to do all with aircrafts and the flying routine cos the man had no idea how to express himself except drawing parallels from the thrill of flying to our puppy love..

A card based on a cartoon character involving all facets of my life with the pre packaged hallmark of the bar code drawn on..

An actual poem from a brooder that I came across accidentally..

An ode on a public portal under veils lest identities collide..

A simple email - I miss you..

These signs of affection rehearse their effect like old wine and remain with me forever.. I simply have to draw on them to feel incapacitated like I feel right now..

With every thought begins a new story, and with every story there is an interjection, adjunction, conjunction, beginning and end.. I like to concentrate on the t-junction's.. "Frost: The road not taken" (ref: b - shaadi, 2003).. They make for interesting narratives which get labeled with the term - injunction.. The title being self explanatory, eluding to - for you a thousand times from The Kite Runner is the point from which I was rushing into a tangent..

But I'm misleading you.. This shpeel is about aught else.. Its about vee-hic-als.. Im a lay person.. I do not lay, nay, au contraire (damn with the tangents man!!! :( )

What I'm trying to say is Ami's birthday came and sped by recently.. My gift to him was going to be this bike.. Stripped to its bare engine (like Ranbir stripped to a low waisted hipster /peddle pusher in the Greece setting of Bachna ae haseeno *slurp* *lick*) and then remade and reworked to something unrecognizable.. My specs, my conditions and their engineering.. Much like the war show on travel&living about vintage versus modern day technology on the british biker build off.. I wanted to have made a droooooooool worthy bike for Ami.. It was gonna be a gift more so for me than him.. I love to watch people hop on to their bikes.. I think its ridiculous for people who dissipate into the crowd to ride a bike.. A bike requires a certain kindda personality to go with it.. There is a way you get on to a bike which is more like the first tenet every rider should follow.. The legs need to be posied just so and the leg that needs to drape itself across needs to go just at the right angle at the right momentum in the right frame.. It makes for a beautiful setting.. A moment a cinematographer ought to capture on canvas considering what a glorious moment it is to be at one in the most intimate way riding a machine.. Much like the way a person would hold their pistol or gun.. Its the most graceful thing to watch which is paradoxical considering the noises generated later.. Vinay Pathak can tittilate your mind but you need a Ranbir Kapoor with a slight hitch in enunciations to make getting on the bike look sexy.. I even observe the guys through the dripping monsoons.. I can't help but ogle at what seem like children in comparison to my ripe old age when I see them in their beauteous art ways.. And I imagine Sol in their place and an ageing woman in mine and I feel like slapping the woman leching at my child but ESHTILL!!! wah kya scene hai....

What's actually anda maraoing my bhains recently is - theres this stupid moronic asswipe who lives in my society.. Next building really who has a fleet of cars (well he has 3 AT LEAST).. In a city like Mumbai, he has a white Mercedes convertible, an Audi SUV in silvery gray and a Lexus 470 in champagne.. He makes my insides squirm.. Every morning when Elvis (aka me) has left the building, I have to witness his ostentatious glorifying his stouty rowdy old tired self and flaunting his (wait he has NOTHING to flaunt except for his cars which should ideally be MINE MINE MINE) nonexistence :( Now I don't know this guy from Adam's but believe you me, I hate him from the pits of my heart.. Like I've never known hatred before.. I thought of getting a Toyota Prado in white but he went and got a BMW SUV.. Oh how I loathe this human's existence.. Obese turd.. Be sure to read your headlines in the coming few days.. I have quite a mind to go give him my housewifely cheerful earful to stop flaunting his vee-hic-als in front of regular ole folk like me.. But my feelings toward him are quite unlike what I felt for the guy who I lost my heart to this evening.. He was driving the Boxster.. :( God must truly hate me for throwing the lust of cars in my face and then snatching them away without even dangling the keys in front of me!!

Anyway, a mere mortal such as I, got me a new phone and yes I'm being extremely self-indulgent but its a thing of beauty which I hope remains to be a joy for a very long time.. Keats was quite nuts if he thought anything and I do quite mean ANYthing could last forever.. However, the omnia currently is in my loving stage which seems like forever at least to my rosey eyed view..

But all these are vain and frivolous in comparison to my crush on a true blue chocolate boy for the first time.. He's not a brooder, not one of those silent, dark, weird concoctions of human notions.. He's a regular shmoe but yet - Milton's "Paradise Lost": "To love or not; in this we stand or fall".. Ranbir Kapoor you light up my insides when I see you on screen..

Polarities..

The punishment for incompetence should be decapitation.. Anything less than a full 100% (more would be better) is debilitating to the entire cause of the matter.. I can't stand imperfections.. One strand of almost not there hair left behind on a wax job.. One strand of gray not covered up, one corner of the wall not touched up in the fresh paint job, one line of plaster over the skirting, one strand of hair from the brush on freshly painted nails, one iota of excess salt in the food, one whoosh of liner went wrong (worse when black), one stone on the road that makes u feel the bump on an otherwise beautiful ride, one hospital corner on the bed folded wrong, one wrinkle on the perfect crisp white linen shirt, one wrinkle between the eyebrows growing in size, one vein showing on your feet indicative of .... , one line of dust on the exhaust in the sparkling bathroom, one drop too much of the citronella oil in the burner, one color too much on the boheme kindda clothes, its all a matter of just that one that irates me deeply..

My son takes after me and every toy has to be placed in the same exact spot in the same angle manner fashion it was before he took it out.. his clothes need to be dust free and smelling fresh off the *press* (ironing is called pressing out here.. go figure?!) even for his birthday party, with the animal show where he held a rabbit - instead of having a smile on his face he had a big old frown and demanded a hand sanitizer immediately.. the tray needs to be laid out just so for his food consumption.. his milk in just that nike bottle.. his water in his paddington bear glass.. and nothing else will do.. and god forbid its unavailable - the whole house collapses in fear of his tears and fury.. Yes my son is an ideal reflection of me..

My daughter needs her juice heated evenly just like her milk before consumption.. She hates her fruit so I have to trick her into juice.. She loves anything with cheese so I add carrots to her cauliflower n broccoli cheese mash, squash n sweet corn to her mac n cheese.. Yes she has her own mind and taste buds at 6 months.. She loves my lime n honey concoction in the morning and recognises my travel mug and demands at least 10 sips from it.. She'll be fine with most people who she is familiar with but if I disappear for longer than 2 hrs then hell freezes over..

Yes we all have our little quirks.. I have yet to learn to live with mine.. But I will always be proud of my kids characteristic traits because of their quirks.. I admire them for their strong sensibilities and I hope they turn out "weird" and "quirky" in their own ways but please God do not make them 'normal' and mundane.. Anything normal is forgetful, anything mundane is what everyone else is and within the societal norms I hope my kids turn out to be difficult pills to swallow because God forbid they fade away into oblivion - that would be my biggest disappointment.. I would rather them be the one hay in the grassland than be a fresh sprig of mint in the herb garden..

Scent of a woman

sorry for the delay..

please listen to me and listen carefully..

this is on a public platform because post conversing with ami about the people we knew this seemed to be a common thing.. but even he was rooting mostly for you in the end and i do really want to send this as a message to the rest who are like sisters to me whose grief i feel as well..

im keeping all my biases aside and saying this purely keeping all the factoids in mind..

you need to disconnect him from your life.. its not been a symbiotic relationship for a long time but really, lets face it, it has been parasitic.. you need to cut off the limbs that are disparaging to the rest of your working body and draining away the energy.. its a hard pill to swallow and a much worser decision to make but it needs to be done cos 7,8,9 years is a long time to dedicate to a dead relationship.. mourn for the loss, dont grieve.. celebrate your existence.. you have to demonstrate to the one depending on you that things dont always need to come in pre-packaged pretty forms.. remember the strength that was once you and it will all become easier.. leave your benevolence and calm aside.. thats what has been detrimental in your case because time has elapsed and your eyes are only opening now.. dont waste one more minute of on more day for your freedom to be you.. and then it is all que se ra se ra.. there was surry.. there will be another who is mad about you.. you the way you are not the crap they want to dole you out to be.. i want to see the fierceness in you again.. the silent angst and the wicked determination that sets you apart even in the nyc crowd of well heeled manicured fingernails and toes..

i am always there.. my home is always open.. take a breather, lets chill with coffee, and let kai's baby warmth innocent smile and smell rejuvenate you.. pick up your belongings from here rightfully and start all over.. you have immense support from people who are loyal to you..

if not anything you can always sing - stand by me and garner support :)

please remember - i will always love you..

Kahin to hogi ho - Jaane Tu

There are no easy lunches.. You have to, absolutely must take a stand on matters close to your life and heart.. I despise the spineless morons who classify their incompetence in standing up for themselves as 'vagaries'.. How dare they insult the very characteristic by which I, the highly opinionated ass but vociferous enough to state them, identify myself with..

You need to take a stand on right and wrong.. There are grays (in other people's books) but how the hell do you classify everything in the 'gray category'.. That's just wrong.. When you put your heart on your sleeve and see it burn it hurts.. Like hell too at that.. Whats so gray about that? When someone crosses the boundary and infringes on your space it irks you.. Sometimes devastatingly so depending on circumstant.. Where the hell do you see the gray in that? When the basics in life are outta whack and are volleyed up in the air because of aught else doesn't that break you down? Don't you need to take a stand on that? How long do you need to stand behind pillars calling them your strength when instead all they are, are these autocrats who treat you like an automaton? Where the hell as the adage gone - Live and let live? When you feel strangulated don't you choke for air? Doesn't that unnerve you into reacting?

But you need strength in character to take a stand.. No matter whether it makes sense to the world now as long as you are lucid about your ideology and approach you need to stand by them.. Look at Aamir on Narmada.. I re-felt my delinking of kinship to Arundhati Roy after reading it all over again in the latest issue of Andpersand.. How dare she.. Look at Pooja & Mahesh Bhatt - I don't care about the way they conduct their lives - but their common stance approach on drugs and alcohol simply puts them on an elevated status of intellecte.. That too the way they can say it out loud in a public forum.. At least it made some people realize the importance of how they are on the path of self-destruction at least for a minute if not more..

I recently got into an argument on ego and self-pride.. Self-preservation stems from the self-pride being under assault.. How can you get away by calling it something as frivolous as ego? Yes ego creeps in where many learned take themselves for granted and falter.. But how can a person - a person who is so absorbed in the daily rituals to even realize what survival involves indulge in a time-taking sport such as 'ego'?


It takes a million goons to go thru natality and fatality for one Oscar Wilde to be borne.. My utopia would be a world full of people with strength in character to at least have the testes to take a stand.. I know I have enough testosterone to take a stand when pushed hard enough..

I really wonder about the other billion on the planet though..

Saturday Night Fever

I LOVE Saturdays.. They rejuvenate me.. Fridays can go take a you know what to the moon; but Saturdays - now THAT 's what I am talking about.. Songs like Here I am (Bryan Adams) Whats love gotta do with it (Tina Turner) etc etc are played on the radio as a relief for the same 20 songs being churned in & out on weekdays and they simply peel years off of my body.. I feel like I'm in my zone know what I mean? I'm moving, I'm grooving, I'm peppy, not trying to put someone in their place, not pickin a fight with all n sundry, just minding my good old business (which is extremely rare and strange if you know me personally) and pacing my day along.. Sol has his extra curriculars at regular hours where I can enjoy retail therapy with Kai and then we go for soccer practice where I yell and scream my lungs out cheering and motivating my son.. Yes indeedy - I live my life through them..

I have a sweet tooth.. I love black coffee.. You will always find a freshly made sweet mart at home.. My husband and his palette along with his tummy indulge me and my culinary functions and malfunctions.. My son has started appreciating the fine art of loving and eating fenugreek leaves to be compensated with gajar ka halwa.. Yes, I have at least one man of mine wrapped around my pinky.. The other one is still a work in progress.. Wanna venture a guess on who which one is?

We saw 'Jaane tu...' recently.. What a beautiful feel good movie.. The songs, the characters, the actors, the sets.. Seemed so real.. Its almost as if I was reading Jhumpa Lahiri with her fascinating penmanship taking you into her worlds where you can even smell the broth in the kitchen of the character who is nurturing it to perfection.. I could relate to and feel the same pathos that the protagonist was going through and the similar angst as each reel traversed into another.. Really though, quite a well-made movie..

But tomorrow is a Sunday and I intend to treat myself to a good dose of romantic comedies so I'm gonna pay a visit to You got mail, Story of us, Thomas Crowne Affair etc.. I suggest you guys do the same.. We all need a good dose of romance and an equally surmountable amount of humor in our lives..

Back to mirchi pakoday and makai roasting this is the at-peace-with-the-world-at-large me signing off..

earlybirditude

We all have morning rituals.. well if you are one of those night owls I'm sure you do maintain some kind of rituals that are dictum's for each day.. I have my own very set which I'd like to share.. And whilst I'm sharing lemme also redirect you to - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=earlybirditude

It's an early morning with Kai welcoming me into the dawn at 5 am and she makes me realize that I don't have to be the best person at the craft of motherhood but I just have to be a mom.. I see vignettes of her through the day when she has her first 5 ounces for the day.. Little moments where she reaches out for me with her open arms and flashes a smile trying to flirt me into being close to her.. Her sorrowful eyes and her slow frown developing into a helpless cry for me to attend to her amidst all the people she can't call home.. She is my baby whom I thought I wouldn't be able to love cos my heart was so full of Sol.. I thought I had no room for anyone else but with the advent of her coming in to my life I find myself resurrected.. Its going to be hell for me to raise a girl.. I can now sense the fears and angst my parents were ridden with but I know she will make the ride worth living..

Then the clock strikes 6 and its time for me to gather my energies because the preparation for the day begins.. Silly needs to be up by 6:30 and it takes me 10 minutes of cuddling and coddling.. I thank the Lord he still needs it.. Im not a sadist but I almost miss the days when I first put him in a playschool.. I would cry out on the stairs of the playschool hearing him wail and thats how we spent an hour everyday for a few months.. My children are my biggest strength and biggest handicap.. and its so visible when my son who's inherited my drama queen ways fusses over not getting 'Maggi noodles' in his lunchbox for school..

At 6:45 I rush in for a quick shower to erase the signs of burps and kiddie drool.. And I glare into the mirror at my age reflecting so many years on my face and body.. Don't get me wrong I enjoy them too.. Each scar, line, wrinkle, layer of fat is demonstration of me graduating to this age and time.. They are my trophies to myself..

At 7 I get into the kitchen and hurry with the cook at breakfast for the family and packing Kai's hot water and milk bottles for the ride to school and back.. Despite the help at home, inevitably 7:30 and no earlier is when 'Elvis has left the building'.. My morning cup of tea neatly stowed in my mug (which was quite a difficult task to excel in) and the morning newspaper supplements well towed in the crutch of my arm.. I cannot read the main sections of the paper.. I can't deal with reality.. I rather much read the gossip columns and the lives that others lead.. And its not about having a thing for celebrities.. my favorite thing to do when I have a couple of minutes is to randomly hit a blog and peep into aught else's life..

Through the journey to school Sol is lying on me and I can smell his freshly washed hair and I feel like letting him skip the day at school only so that I can get back into bed and snuggle with him (which is what I plan to do as soon as I'm done with this entry) but sense prevails and we practice the cat, rat and mat bits..

The journey back - I and Kai either have a morning catnap or we read the paper together.. Well she'd rather have that too in her mouth but oh well :-) But inevitably we both bob our heads into the outside world when we cross this building where this gramps like guy sits out in his airy balcony and reads his morning papers.. A moments lapsed and we spot the elderly lady who is huffing and puffing her way onto the ledge at the entrance of another building.. Her morning walk seems strenuous everyday.. I curse the coffee houses through the entire journey cos my craving for mocha can never be satiated.. Even my eyes desire the whiff of coffee.. The most pleasing smell to me in the whole world is of freshly roasted coffee beans and the most refreshing taste is of garlic.. Go figure..

But thats what a glimpse of my morning's like.. Whats yours?

So long sojourn..

Mannnn.. Lemme stretch.. Its been a bloody long hiatus!!! And this post has been impending in the folds of my mind forever.. Its been so long that I've rewritten the contents and subjects of it abstractly at least a few thousand times when I haven't been close to a keyboard to unleash the 2 finger crazy typist in me.. I habitually indulge in these mental convos with family & friends where its me and me posing as them.. Mental revisions of material desired to be disembogued finally reach a state of evaporated evanescence considering I have carried that damn linger for as long as the sustainable mood lasts.. And thus I've explained the carbon monoxide poisoning that caused a lull of new entires..

Its been a hectic last few months.. I have to now sit my son down for homework (HE ISN'T EVEN 3 YET!!) for an hour a day.. I've never had such little fun with jumbo crayons :( The monsoons are in full swing.. My power bill is hitting the roof with the dryer running 2 hrs a day everyday.. And I've gotten into the habit of letting the air conditioning run even while I'm out of the abode so it stays nourishing and cool on my arrival.. We got our first car, my old zen, painted.. To that of my choice - lime green with white stripes.. Its a beauty in this dull god forsaken predictable array of black, white, champagne, silver bevy of crap lolling around.. But not as indigestible as a purple or a dull orange car (the heck were they thinking?) Albeit, Amit ducks when he has to sit in the car just cos it attracts so much attention (he has issues with appreciative glances - Virgo to the hilt!!) But all in all good.. We had few baby domestic trips here and there which managed to burn enough holes in the pocket.. But Amit is now a Commander so like I tell him - its his time to spoil us :-) The birthday came and event - Amit garnered typhoid on one of his flights where he resided in a Taj.. Please be very aware of how much you trust their hygiene in the kitchens now.. Cos Amit getting sick is like an impossibility.. You'd understand if you saw the man.. The Mothership has invested a lot of time in building him and his immune system.. Of course the illness was transferred to little old me where although I wasn't waited on hand & foot - I was pampered, Silly was looked after, and a bun in the oven a few months later is the result..

But all that is a side note - I now finally have access to my collection of CD's again.. So its back to classics from - din dhal jaaye, haay raat naa jaaye to diwana hua badal and now pyaar mujhse jo kiya.. As a result I have sub-consciously started strutting like a stigma-prone minx - it being the heady effect of internalising Huzoor is qadar bhee na.. What a sharp contrast to when I don a sari and Amzi throws his furtive glances and Jhuki jhuki si nazar becomes the commandment of the day..

Of course, with all this comes the quality he drew out of me in the byzantine era and I teleport to yester-years and become once again the incandescent - Shama (ex nom de plume) despite the odd stark realities of a very obvious bump and a waist high bairn by my side today.. "The look" which had once disappeared has now managed to put a constant glow even on my fingernails..

Im also in love with a whole new whack of people who I will list in a random not tandem manner just so when I'm old and gray I don't forget the hormones I sallied forth.. Harry Osborne, Lara Dutta, James Frain, and an old crush revisited - Colin Firth.. (by now I've forgotten the movies I've watched considering the amount of undigested regurgitated foibles of fables I've indulged in)

I have done a few things I'm proud of too in my brief tarriance away.. Buried old hatchets, settled all scores, and made peace with history.. So this is like a poignant moment which I wouldn't want eschewed under heaps of vivid livid details I have the power to stack in memory which occupy so much space that I forget for once I strayed from my normal character to become the "bigger and better man"..

Summer vacations in full galore.. Silly comes back with funky craft projects from summer camp that actually make the cut for being displayed in white and black home.. This is the first time I've actually stayed put in aamchi mumbai for longer than 4 months.. No long vacation to international destinations :-( Silly's not in playschool anymore.. He's growing up fast screwing up my penchant for being a nomad as his feet grow into bigger shoes with every passing step..

But I've tried to keep my hands busy - second exhibition preparations underway and this time I've designed jewellery too.. Poor timzi is having a heart attack looking at the bills stacking up for inventory purchases :-) The baniya doesn't know business and profit ke funday.. But he'll learn with time when the moolah comes rolling in with time.. He drools at the orders, I only wish he told me just once, baby why don't you keep this for yourself.. The moron doesnt even look at my work with the eye of a man who I've trained in the taste department..

Anyway I am currently on this grouse dealing with patriotism.. I've been raised in two different countries and the last 3 years I've spent in the "motherland".. Which it actually even isn't.. It's my father's land.. My mom is a Pakistani by identity and birth.. But yet when I go for an Emraan Hashmi movie I have to stand while the Indian anthem is being played.. I am Canadian by the loyalty that lies within me but why do I have to be subjugated to a national anthem at the NFL.. How does that make any sense? If a firang disses India I get offended and if an Indian disses North America I get pained again.. Im a global denizen and yet an outcast and an outsider everywhere.. Im not American born, but sure have Arab influences due to birth and childhood development years.. I welcome the harmony of cultures but why shove the patriotism's when you say its OK to have dual citizenship? You means that's OK only for legalities but otherwise you have to choose the former and latter.. You still have to choose.. Horrible horrible this world of choices..

Coming down to more material pleasures I had two boys to men working on my beggar feet the other day.. I need a pedicure almost every 10 days if not a week because the skin gets so dry in this heat.. And I finally decided to have it done at this swanky salon instead of the luxury of the girls coming home.. And they scraped off every last bit of callous and hardened skin that everytime I glance at my feet I get a turn on at how soft they are naturally without all the paraffin wax and cream/sock treatments.. Yippie!!! can't wait for my next session day after..

Im going to Aurangabad this weekend as opposed to Canuck-land and I'm jumping with glee.. Can't you see the sentence laced with sarcasm? This 4 day vacation better be good on at least the food front or *someone* is gonna be in big trouble <--- Amzi!!!!

Time to sign off and return to the world of embroidery, crochet, macrame, silks, brasso, jute, lace etc..

P.S: Happy Mother's Day Mom.. Come home soon.. Ab bas ho gaya.. I love you *umma*

una redundancia

I was waiting for Amzi to get home.. Late night arrival so I cleared the toys, put the laundry aside, painted the nails and started to fidget.. I hate waiting for the polish to dry - makes me a prisoner to feminine wiles and the comedy channel was playing Seinfeld.. God I *hate* that show.. If you like it well you're as gross as Timzi.. So I was surfing and came across a site and this is what it said about me.. Why don't you try it? It's always fun to while away time trying to "discover oneself"..

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

In any case, this blog is more about helping out in the least uncomfortable way possible.. Most of you hate forwards (I say you, because I delete them based on whether I like/dislike content in the first 5 words instead of creating a huge big hoop-la about "DONT SEND ME FORWARDS YOU FREAK") and sometimes the charity with just a click is all humbug but how false could this be considering its on the MS site.. So for those of you who do chat please let Microsoft invade the little space/privacy you had them out of and subscribe to i'm

Considering the big crisis issues for future world health I had a few radical, thought provoking ideas.. Lets make a list and send it to KJo to display on Koffee with Karan the next time he invites Ritesh Deshmukh and has him subscribe it to Vilasrao who'd just let it slide like everything else does during his tenure and leadership..

To avoid further pollution of our beautiful insect infested environment we could all travel in bullock carts which would thereby generate gobar for the gobar gas and less meat would be consumed thus lesser wastage in terms of astiyan of the bullocks in the refuse pile of the garbage inventory..

And all this talk over alternative fuel I really wonder about the logistics of making Gobar Gas a dream come true at least for the sub-continent.. I mean re-cycling extraneous physical body waste for the purpose of sustaining the same would be much like evaporation-condensation-precipitation..

Endless possibilities (and you can stop giggling and ewwing anytime now - I WAS SERIOUS!!??) At the very least we could save and procure it into cylinders to run rickshaws instead of CNG.. Can you imagine lugging a cylinder of gas generated by thy shrine aka thy body and paying a basic rate to the rickshaw-walah because you'd be fueling your own transportation cost? Brilliant- Im brilliant.. After the entire bakwaas of NASA and the pen/pencil issue I think they should hire people like me giving them sasta and tikau ideas ;-)

And I'm sure Pamela Anderson has a huge populous of admirers.. Considering she supports PETA we should have loadsa stalkers as far as she's concerned.. I mean for the betterment of the gonna be extinct animal species I'm sure we could sacrifice a blond bombshell who causes grief to women worldwide no?

We could device the "honey I shrunk the kids" formula and douse Michael Jackson in it and then send him as the lamb for pedophiles worldwide.. Once they're done exploiting him, we'd be rid of a rare human breed and then all the pedophiles could be skinned alive.. Their skin would then make our bags and shoes instead of the voiceless animals..

Hell I have a ridiculously better idea.. Instead of advising the amrikans on using a clothesline for drying clothes like we do in the ghats over here, we should teach them about the concept of natural coolers.. We should blanket our world slowly with wet khus and spread the desi perfume worldwide..

Bhaiya, Im on a roll and I have to write all this down and send it to the badhau before it all dissipates from the draft of the waft in my grey matter..

P.S: I'd have hyperlinked badhau to the White House official website to indicate George Bush but I'm nothing more than chicken shit (too much talk of crap in this blog) so I didn't and no you canNOT sue me for that!!

A little knowledge is a *VERY* dangerous thing..

So my well-rounded (pun unintended!!) bro directs me to the MedPage Today website for some relevant information and I start doing my own little surfing around to it and I chance upon this which causes a whole lot of grief.. Lemme explain hon - this is how it started.. It was 3pm and the sun was doing its jig in full glory.. Hot, humid, sunny and Silly was done with his nap.. Of course, whats surprising, the kid has made it his aim in life to be an oddity (wonder where he gets it from hmm.. ;-) ) So I take him downstairs to maybe play in the pit (foolish that I am) or maybe even check out the pool's hygiene level for the day..

But lo n behold and some outrageously insane parents sent their even zanier kids down to play a game of cricket.. Some 6 boys between the ages of 5-9.. I asked them if Silly could pitch in.. As a fielder or bowler of course and they said OK and had him under their protective cootchie cooing wings (whats wrong with the boys of today and being in touch with their blasted feminine side from such a young age!!) Silly was of course milking all the attention and the cheek pulling and the awwwhs generated by the crowd of boys.. I offered to bring his bat and ball so he could do his hockey thing on the side when they wanted to actually work at the game.. By the time I came back the crowd of 7-9 yr olds reduced.. And we was left with a group of 4.. I was asked to bowl fast ones, slow ones (Im quite like Rimii's character in Hat Trick as far as cricket is concerned :-( ) which I did and of course as should be the witness of the momentous day that I partook in a lousy sport as this my favorite pair of CK jeans no less, ripped at the knees.. I ain't no biker chick and neither Im in the ultra chic crowd of havin ripped jeans which to me is baseless 'fashion' if that in the first case.. But we played for a good hour after that..

And since that day I have taken Silly swimming religiously everyday to avoid anymore 'wardrobe malfunctions'.. After last year, the media inundating the news with the term to the hilt I began to miss it thus the usage.. I'm fascinated with the answer to my constant thought - Silly has the fear of God (he's successfully potty trained - YEAY!!!) so he asks to step out when he needs to take a leak but how many 'classy and cultured' adults step out to do the job? I mean its like "Oh of course I don't have any gas to pass!" when something smells rancid around but I've seen them squirm and let their face blush trying to suppress the body's melody of brief percussion-al sounds!! But that's a side note..

Have you heard the song Barfaan - The Blue Umbrella - Amazing piece of work quite unlike the current crop of masala movies :-( Horrid, horrid.. Every one can easily be classified into my list of crappy movies.. Why does that list need to be over-populated all at one go? :-( The only saving grace they have some peppy numbers that Fever - 104 FM play constantly.. Just the other day I was listening to Breathless by The Corrs and I was actually unadulterated happy for a good 5 minutes despite the current spate of events - A/C malfunction againnnn, TV not being repaired despite 2 months of trying to procure some IC* part, Hum India shifting location to this godforsaken hellhole where traffic is obscene, maid having gone to the village for 3 days, Amzi refusing to eat parval ki bhaji (I have to get into this in a later blog!!), Celina Jaitley being the worst thing in Shaka Laka Boom Boom with even her assets jiggling with bad skin and worse make up..

I went to Udaipur.. Prices are so reasonable in the pind!! I've decided I'm marrying whatever Maharana and moving there.. Even Silly's horse was a healthy tagda munda of course nothing like the Arabian steed but a robust one nonetheless.. We saw the puppet show, did a few matha tek's, Silly took over Dad's negotiations when the poor sub-contractors were peeing their pants while Dad kept deleting the zeroes from their figures and my baby actually steered the boat (I doano the classification further than a canoe/motorboat/yacht.. Nauticals aren't my forte ?!) And we got the evening glimpse of The Lake Palace and its marble glistening and all I could hear was Rabbi's Tere Bin echoing in my ears..

In any case I've made a pran - somehow I've gotta lose weight.. I mean hello Adnan Sami lost over 104kgs without any sharp instruments making oscillatory movements on his fat so I have NO excuse.. Im gonna join CLAY for some aerobic shit (Oh hell - leotards and women comparin chest and ass sizes :-( ) and Silly is gonna indulge in breaking what will hopefully be somebody else's acquired goods and Im praying it'd be some pretty little twit with a perky nose and perfect hourglass figure who'd be the victim this time.. Or even one of those young musky perfumed rugged biker guys with no studs just loadsa attitude and a mindblowing haircut.. I'm tired of being Yashoda to the peers.. I need some eye-candy ;-) (Before you j2c i.e, jump to conclusions, I *only* swing in Amzi's direction!!)

All-natural

Look it up!! No not on wikipedia but on urbandictionary.com .. I like all-natural you know? Or maybe its because I'm scared of colon staplin and tummy tucks but nonetheless I like the comfort and luxury in the fact that - I rue your existence, you Barbie looking creature but Im comfortable in my own skin cos 'Im beautiful' and James Blunt said so himself!!

Some 200 channels and more on cable and I couldn't find one to sit through without flipping for over 3 hours.. THAT my dears is the state of merchandising in our retail paradise that we live in.. Quality sucks but variety is in and demand exceeds procurement of products.. Starvation for 'newer and better' results in me running to the DVD store everyday lest I get bored out of my wits and do something stupid say for instance - write an inane entry on to the blog like right now.. (I knew I should've at least mustered the strength to go through the DVD album at home but hey shit happens right?)

My sister-in-law is a cool chick ya'know? The all-natural kinds who used to play sports in school and the kinds who does NOT fit the bill of chuee-muee si.. Its easier to relate to her cos she likes the rough n tough sorts.. of course not someone like Amrita or Rosa for Saif but someone like Kajol who won't sit prim n proper for an entire length of time.. She prefers comfort to fashion and by jove can I ever relate to that.. Im after all the undisputed PYJAMA QUEEN!! After Silly came into existence it took timzi 9 months to get me out of the pyjamas I had conveniently added to my wardrobe by stealing and raiding on b's tee's and amzi's jammies.. 9 months of Silly and the last trimester of pregnancy.. Nothing but jammies for a year!! You look at me now in my lovely lucknawi kadai, kota check, patchwork and shaded sari with the Guerlain powdered kohl and Celtic jewellery in tow you would bat your lids a few thousand times (never mind the adipose tissue flouncing from all ends and the angry strain in the voice) at the idea of jammies but buddy - been there n done that.

She is the one to blame to getting me hooked on to semi-precious and precious stones.. The sapphires and blue topaz melting me each time I see newer designs cast in them.. And now after seeing Blood Diamond I've sworn off diamonds.. Di's hubby always said it out loud about the rationing of diamonds which is why he'd get her sapphires from Brazil and Murano glass jewellery from the island but never diamonds.. And it all makes sense now after seeing Leo D'Cap with rippling muscles, strange accent and half shut (or half open) eyes.. But speaking about jewellery - May is the month when I design and set 10 pieces for myself to make up for the lack of motivation and inspiration (retail therapy baby 24/7/365)

After all, its the price Timzi has to pay for all the hard work I need to put into my hair which I've always had to have long due to the list of crazy men(the dad bro n hub) in my life (add my mom in law to the list who fell in love with me only cos of hip long tresses - somebody shoot me!! please!!) 3 times a week oiling and then deep conditioning and then protein treatments with power doses not to mention 6 monthly visits to the salon for 6 hrs either for straightening or highlighting.. I mean I don't care how feminine you are but how do you justify sitting still in the damn revolving chair and sippin on herbal tea and pee'in endlessly ejaculating it 20 days later still 20 times a day for 6 goddamn long hours of hell? I have to go for one of these excruciating appointments soon.. Amzu noticed a shade of purple that the swine himself put on my hair during Holi.. This despite the full on champi but in defence of Parachute nariyal tel it was really timzi's fault who'd come close under the rain fountains to hold me and silly and shake our tushies to Sean Paul and malofy God knows what keechadwalay rang some kid had given him to attack Silly.. But Silly had loadsa fun that day with the 3 different water guns, one as a backup reservoir and the colors - he looked adorable.. He kept politely wishing everyone Happy Holi before he'd attack them with whatever ammunition he had - gel colors, powdered rang or pichkari.. He even took the pichkari to school and caught his teachers in a few scary moments that they recorded.. As tradition Silly's Holi clothes from each year get saved and wrapped in muslin which I intend to make a wall-hanging of it some day when I give him away to the witch he'd end up starting a family with :-( Hopefully it'd be a witch not a wizard..

Like amzi says you can only wish that their journey is painless but the choices are still always their own.. Philosophy from a comedian.. Thats rich!!

POV's

superman is weak and recovering but has been rid of extraneous malignant cellular growth.. (die you damn cells die!! thats your fate - yeah!!)

ring is still lost but hopefully it'll help somebody else much poorer get married..

tv's gone and we now realise the power of small old ancient things that mum stores and we whine about.. her tv which is 20 yrs old is whats making this house functional..

'banana' (salil calls his bada nana - banana) has his toe amputated cos of diabetes goin haywire but hey he's finally outta the hop-ee-tall.. 2 weeks to get back to normal..

we're all going for matha-tek to amritsar in june and timzi, silly n i are doin alaska in october.. watch this space for inherently boring details and minute observations till tears of boredom cause a common cold and affliction of eyesight problem..

hey maybe this year isn't so bad after all.. i reacquainted with reality i guess :)

the bitch-fest is gonna resume next post on pee-polls!!!

Deliberate delusions..

i have a thing for two letter headings and subjects.. with nothing in the same nature but yet have some kind of weird pull when fit together.. this topic has taken birth from one such virus im afflicted by.. anyway while going through my mp3 folder trying to find a suitable song for the mood i found an oxymoron.. masti - dil de diya hai.. have you heard the song? its beautiful and i doano how such a gem came into such a crappy movie's song list.. khair..

my superman has prostrate cancer and is going through surgery tomorrow.. i've been telling amzu its a small deal.. go in and come out.. like a little potato-like fibroid being excavated from the system but its shit scary.. my superman puts on a brave front for everyone and only amzu's been spending time with him and his wisecracks.. i wasn't even allowed to officially have 'knowledge'.. silly spoke with him on phone today and told him he'd get his remote control car for the owwie in the 'hop-ee-tall'.. i tried to find out why? superman works out like a crazy human and controls diet better than any naturopath hospital.. but things happen..

i lost my wedding ring last week.. what do i make of it? i know its stolen and i know who stole it but i cant point fingers because it was some phone rep who i allowed to enter my household at the same time silly needed to use the washroom..

last month the new lcd was cracked to bits when silly went thru anger management.. i was away for 2 mins on a fone call with superman..

this year hasnt started on a good note..

ADSL - 4 letter word I abhor!!

Yet again, the telephone exchange cross-connected me with this dude.. Some guy who has a fax machine and has had his number crossed with mine.. Ridiculous - we take messages for each other and transfer them.. It was so bad we actually met for coffee one day so we could shriek at the MTNL divisional engineers, sub-divisional area heads etc together to make an impact.. It got worse this time.. My phone line got crossed and was dead.. DEAD!! No internet for 5 days either.. I was shell shocked.. Bechara amzi got the brunt of it.. He was preparing for his check flights and I was home to make sure buddy was sticking to his diet.. My social life was a zero cos of the diet food regulation and amzi being in town.. My other land line is screwy in any case and my mobile rings constantly so I always have it hidden to avoid calls till Im in the zone to make one.. Christ - I know Im convoluted and if you just figured it out you're as brain dead as I am so buzz off?!!

I saw the last date I wrote a post and I've decided I'm gonna write little passages inspired by whatever it is.. Could be a weird headline on an old Jay Leno show Ive caught up with on brightcove.com or even some phrase I've discovered akin to 'a daniel come to judgement'.. But Ill write soap opera style-ish passages and see how excruciatingly verbose and humdrum my writing can actually be.. The current state of being in candor is on full on display with the passage below (Im sorry I said it to you this way baby)

Isolation, Desolation, Inanimate..

Disconnection has set in.. I feel withdrawn into my own tiny crevice that I had protected
from the evil eyes of the world.. Im lost within it and I yearn to stay lost in it.. Lost
as if I have no concept of the passage of time.. No urgencies, no attachments.. Just a sense
of being.. Consumed by nothingness, surrounded by hollow shadows..

I want to be devoid.. Devoid of this hole I feel in the center of my chest that's relegating
its being to my entire conscience..

I need you.. I need you in the most desperate way that you cannot even fathom.. What do
I do with this aching anguish thats burying me to my grave whilst Im still gasping for a
few breaths in thin air.. rescue me, salve me.. I need a soul and my name's written on yours..
I now know that.. I have felt it beckon and writhe me in pain.. At the very least, its the
only element you can not hide, runaway or abscond from..

Grrrl Power

I was viewing the old episodes of Rendezvous with Ms Garewal and I caught up on the Aishwarya Rai one.. I must have mentioned several times my dislike and disdain towards the sculpted beauty.. But this interview changed my mind.. Non-confrontational kept brimming on the ebb of my mind.. Rarefied the form, lucid in verse and in dignity.. And I had to stop and re-evaluate what I opined of her..

This weekend we went for a soiree to do with Timzi's bud.. And I met this enigmatic charismatic woman yet again who always manages to turn me on.. Every time I chance upon seeing this lady Im stunned at how loud and crass I feel in comparison to her soft exuberant smile and soft voice echoing in my ears moments after her departure.. I've always felt I carry myself with a certain amount of haughty pride but classy nonetheless.. And then Im exposed to this example of love and romance doesnt die after years of knowing each other and raising a child and home.. This lady and her man are evidence that the hand in hand and the head on the shoulder bit aren't common courtesies a couple extend to each other.. They are moments of joy they revel in being in each other's company.. Till I meet them my life is complete and my journey back after viewing their sight makes me feel and want more.. To try harder to achieve the impossible of not washing dirty linen in public.. To always have an esoteric smile for the other.. Hard feats to accomplish I tell you..

The other day I was with my neighbour.. She's a woman of the corporate world who has never taken a break and single-handedly manages to run a household and raise a son of 17 yrs and break norms of being a perfect daughter, daughter-in-law and wife.. She kept me in splits with her daily dosages of nuances and labellings between her son and her.. I remembered my growing up years with Ma.. Children with mothers who form their best friends always emerge stronger in confidence.. Ask me - I am over-confident and its YOUR fault Ma :P But the over-indulgence does really make a difference.. The only problem arises when the mother starts feeling like being treated like a mother with due respect after watching a YashRaj/Karan Johar movie talking about parampara till you can barf paramprik creed..

Jaya Bachchan whilst accepting her Lifetime Achievement Award (please someone ban this pieces of shit award that steer you towards giving up the part of your career where you are stress free) spoke better than any Ambassador who would love to evoke emotions and yet strive to be diplomatic.. I rue the life she has had to lead from whatever I have read but yet this lady is known for what she does without being over-shadowed by the Bachchan parivar name or flagship.. To carry the weight of life with such "humble" expression - I was bowled over by the modesty.. Small packages are indeed bombs full of aplomb..

Strong beautiful women who hold their head up in pride but not high enough to be a minx and not low enough to be a crouching mouse.. Just rock steady to hold ground on their own.. Moving with grace and ambiguity yet maintaining a modicum of candor in their thoughts without the effervescent need to gurgle them out instead maintaining to eschew their many many dollars worth.. Yes, when I grow up (stop laughing amzu timzi :( ) I wanna be like them but till then I can always be the brat that I am yes?

Grrrl Power - Read up more on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_Power

idee fixe

i carry you with me

wherever i go

i carry you here

at the end of my sleeve

i carry you there

so i can have you in my palm

i carry you as sediment
should've long gone deposited
i carry you as a draft
favonian breezes tuggin..

i carry you as a spur of evanescent moments
i carry you as an imprecation
i carry you from the dead like a rising phoenix
i carry you despite your will
alea jacta est?
no dice my love, no dice..

"..to the left" - beyonce, irreplaceable

Im not trying to be cute and child"ish" but luffer is an actual frikkin word!! Dont believe me? Well look it up..

I'll be honest.. I've had a few.. If you've kept a track then the numero uno 'luffer' is/was Abhishek Bachchan.. Honestly, I wouldn't know the man from adams but when I first heard about his engagement I felt a sense of loss.. Like something inside me died.. And if you knew me, you'd know I ain't a die hard romantic.. I ain't one of those crazy fans who swoons and drops unconscious.. Im very bloody normal.. But still - I felt bad.. Horrible horrible inside.. And I was in this zone for a while and I had no idea how to snap back to reality.. Jeesh I mean I kept tellin myself seriously - babe the hell's wrong with you? And I realised that this virtual stranger was someone who had turned real for me in my own little universe.. Really how do you classify a stranger? Someone you don't know but you've seen or heard or spoken with even briefly? How is it that you expend so much time knowing this one person that they still seem to be termed as a 'stranger'? How is it possible? Logical? Paradoxical!

When you get married and you vow that this is the one person you are gonna love n lust for, for the rest of your lifetime do you ever believe that even for a brief moment you could be breaking your vow unintentionally? I mean my thing with the 'luffer' came to a point where amzi actually allowed me the one indiscretion if the opportunity ever came about.. THATS FRIKKIN INSANE!! Would I have ever used his 'permission' to my advantage? Never! But I'll bet you a million bucks - I'd have traversed in the area a few million times before I finally decided to walk away.. I aint Gandhi or considering how he never acted on his impulses despite laying with temptations mebbe I am!! C'mon junta!! Bow to me ;-)

I like to not clear up issues.. I like to have them buried.. I like to not have to deal with ugly truths.. I like pretension.. I had this friend 'A' who just couldn't get this idea.. Forever being a certain way of dragging things through the entire journey.. Continually voicing the same theories and ideas till tears of boredom would stream down my face.. But I learnt to deal with it.. I actually started doing the tit for tat thing.. I actually started pulling the blame game.. I changed for timzi.. Now I was changing again? I mean really!! Who the ^&*% is Santu anymore? And I tried pulling back which was great news!! Breather - at last no more change.. I could be this pompous egoistic narcissistic ass without being continually reminded.. But something happened along the way.. This nitemare called 'A' actually turned to a dream.. I mean how do u get rid of leeches stuck to your chest who are sucking out the bad blood in your streams but sucking the blood outta you nonetheless? When do you actually sit down and tell yourself that all those junk forwards of loving your friend for who they are is utter shit (lets be real) and still love them anyway?

Its hard to break habit but dont people always break bad habits? I mean I quit scratching my crotch in public a few years ago but that was a bad habit.. Why would you break the habit of a morning routine? Email and chai before the weight of the day drains you.. Perfect way to start the day.. But I guess I have the 'keedas' so Im breaking habits.. Its back to Bombay Times n After Hrs with coffee in the morning.. Its back to keeping everyone blocked except 5 ppl on my msn list.. Back to no drama, lack of invigoration, denial of fervor, and tempestual trauma.. Instead whats in is the calm, cool and collected me - putting on this cheesy display of being feline n bitchy to appear non mushy.. Know why? Cos I HATE mushy.. But di - I CAN DO MUSHY!! remember how I used to ruin your perfect songs and then write you poetry? Don't make me make you eat your words darlin ;-) Its time for the old reinvented me - formal clothes and no tracks or capris, loads of eyeliner and no subtle hints of shadow, perfume layering all the way and no basics of just deo.. Its back to me rolling my window and doling advice to smokers at a stop light to think of their health.. Back to pissin the shitlights of the goodlookin' guy who smokes in my son's school corridoor.. Im leaving behind my childlike amiable zany self and am gonna turn into this snotty, shrewd, constantly sarcastic, silent until spoken to soul..

'A' - my blame game ends here.. You are to blame.. And as punishment I'd love to leave your phone number to all the ones who're gonna suffer the price at the cost of my sanity due to the mere existence of you.. I leave you with my blessings.. You'll need them when my 'inner circle' comes looking for you to de-glam me!! I will miss the rogue spirit of you.. Goodbye n God bless..

Mumbai Nagariya!!

Goddamnit!!

You take antibiotics for a stomach virus and its s'posed to take care of the throat infection.. But guess what? She lied!!

You pay through the nasal membranes of your nostrils for the D&G fabric to be tailored by this huge men's boutique and you expect it to look smashing.. But guess what? The black pinstripe on my 6 footer looked worse than my constipated excreta..

You get the best they got for your Internet connection and they somehow manage to have the connection break every 2 minutes which makes downloading mp3's worse than delivering babies.. Worse - when they try givin people new connections, they go out of their way and manage to screw your existing phone connection thereby the Internet goin all whoozy again..

You go to this so-called "5" star hotel into their swanky restaurant.. You specify less oil and less spices.. You'd think they'd get it.. Nope.. Instead you get finely cut green chillies as garnish on a layer full of floating oil and a fried red chilli on top of it. Fan-bloody-tastic.. There goes the unjinxed phase of the colon again.. This time it didnt even reach the "5" day mark..

You drive at 20kph on a normal road in Mumbai just minding your bees-wax and this moron comes slamming right into you.. He gives you his license when you ask for it but when you ask for the insurance papers he scrams.. I mean hey wtf? You go to the cop place and they take 2 hrs to write down your complaint as if you're the wronger not the wronged.. And 10 days later when *you* the wronged go to inquire *you* are informed he is a poor dude from a poor family.. What would you like to have done once he is back in town.. YOU FRIKKIN JOKIN ME SUB INSP $%^&*!! Id like to slap him silly so the next time I sit in my little Zen I don't feel so unprotected.. Id like him to apologise at the least for chewing his tobacco when he was talking to me in arrogance.. Id like to ram a pole up his ripped rear end and plastered there for eternity..

You go to pay your phone bill like good people do.. 2 days before the due date.. But they make you regret that too.. There's just one counter to take care of the 1 lakh+ numbers of this company.. Makes you feel like paying that extra Rs 5 as late fee and not having to stand in this frikkin line and doin it post the due date.

I have more cos I have been having a great day cant you tell? But I'll leave the rest for later.. Need more Oflox for the throat stupid piece of pharmaceutical crap!!